Dear Diary,

I tried to clean the house today. I really did. Didn't you see those dishes I washed? And I cleaned the bathroom sink. Okay, I know, big deal, the tub is full of seaweed, but still...

Before doing laundry I HAD to eat lunch- I was starving! I did make a healthy salad which is a major accomplishment! That is all good, I think.

Then off to the laundromat, what a drag. My laundry requires so much sorting, not just of lights and darks but later on, about what can go in the dryer and what gets hung up to dry. Then a quick jump into the shower and off to dance class!

Which was good. I decided I will just keep dancing no matter how fat I am, no matter how lumpy my thighs are looking. Only good can come of it, I figure. But I was so ridiculously stupid, to think I could wear those cheap boots to class and then home again after an hour and a half of dancing. Ouch, ouch, ouch. Always makes me think of the real fairy tale of the Little Mermaid (not the Disney version)- the one where the whole time she has legs and feet it feels like she is walking on knives, but she is so happy that she is with her prince she just smiles ..... ugh....

And I went on my little pointy-knife-feet to the health food store and bought healthy junk food snacks, because as long as I'm bingeing I might as well try to not eat so many chemicals and white sugar... I also bought some skin firming lotion and cellulite-vanishing oil... expensive but whatever. I am in a crisis. I am trying to love my body. I am trying to love mySELF, and if lotion can help me do that, well get off my back!

Talked to Stacey today. AG never called her the day after the abortion, and has been avoiding her since. Doesn't have time to see her and has sent a couple of lame texts. Well, my bad, I guess it wasn't in her imagination after all. Sorry, my friend. This seems to be the norm for abortions. I remember M saying he had sex with this girl in college, and he suspected that maybe he'd gotten her pregnant and she'd had an abortion, because things got weird and she left him; he said, "You know how they say that, that a girl doesn't want to go out with you after she aborts your baby?" I had never heard that before, but I guess it can really mess things up. On both sides.

I have never been pregnant or miscarried as far as I know of. I have never had an abortion. I am traumatized enough by pap smears. I can't imagine.

I wrote Elliot back, as far as his offering of massage. I said I have to think about what kind of relationship I want to have with him, that it was good to talk on Sunday and find out what he is looking for. And now I'm figuring out what I want. He is the type of guy who may be surprised that I would even stop to think about it... he obviously thinks he is quite the catch. Sometimes I just envy anybody that has that much self-confidence. Oh well. Working on it... in any case, there are definitely things I like about Elliot. I like that he tries to be cool but his geekiness peeks out every once in a while. Actually that is what I like about him the most. We have good conversations and I have experienced him as being very caring. I am really just not very turned on thinking about sharing a man with multiple women right off the bat. Plus, when you get down to it, I don't think he is that good of a match for me overall, polyamory aside. But maybe we can work out a friend arrangement. Something. I don't know. We have to talk about it. It will be good for me to negotiate and state my needs. For me to learn that it doesn't have to be all or nothing- that I can actually count in relationships, even in friendships.

Haven't talked to Elliot in a few days. Some texts, he called somewhere in there but I didn't pick up or call back. We have sent some playful emails back and forth. He is wary enough to give me space when he thinks I need it.

Someone mentioned that Christmas is 3 weeks away... I had no idea. I haven't done a thing about it. I don't know if I CAN do anything about it... I have so much to do beforehand.

Which includes a good night's sleep tonight...

Love,
Duck

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