#2

Dear Diary,

Still sick. My head doesn't even feel like it's draining properly. The left side is still so stuffed that sometimes I have to touch it to make sure it's still there.

Have you ever heard the theory that you get sore throats because you are not telling someone the truth? Well it's an interesting theory and I started to think, hmm, who am I not telling the truth to? I dunno. I mean, there's Elliot... we definitely have to talk. The last time we spoke it was good because I DID tell him the truth about the kind of relationship I was looking for, and what I didn't want. I did not, however, get to the point where I could tell him that I KNOW it's not going to be him, no matter what he changes about himself. I figured I would break it into stages, but then I got sick and we have not seen each other in a week.

I don't know why I have that whole, "breaking into stages" theory. Any guys reading this (I don't think there are any) would be pissed about that, I'm sure. I don't know if I'm trying to act like this whole idea has just evolved for me? But I've known... and not known... that's the weird part. I often feel a victim of circumstances, like I don't know myself enough. And that's why it takes me so long to get it out. It's exasperating and frustrating, and perhaps untruthful and unfair- that I can't act the way I write. I can come here and be forthright and honest about what I like and don't like, but in real life, real time, I pad everything and try to protect peoples' feelings. Why do I do that? Conditioning? I don't want to be that person, really... it takes way too much of everyone's time, it's not fair to me and it hasn't been fair to Elliot. That's for sure.

But there's this other piece, that even though I knew he was not for me, I wanted to hang out with him anyway. That's the part that scared me a lot. So I guess I have to give myself a break. I'm struggling and imperfect like everyone else on the planet.

Anyway, what I decided is most likely this discomfort in my throat has to do with M. He's the one I think about calling all the time, but don't really have the balls to do it. So I wrote him a letter in my new journal. In all it's imperfection- even though I feel like I'm WRONG for wanting it, because all my friends think he is a dead cause, and maybe I even believe the Universe wants me to let it go... I just want him back. I love him and I miss him. I'm not even interested in these other men... something is always missing with them. So I just told the truth in that letter- this is what I know- I love him, I want him back, I'm terrified of looking like a weak and needy asshole, I'm confused if it's all real or just due to my rejection/abandonment problems, etc. But that's just the bottom line. And I just needed some kind of answer from him. I needed to know, did he want me too? If not, then he needed to let me go, from his heart, from his mental realm, because I feel him pulling on me. We had to decide- yes or no.

And then, I had a dream about him. We were at Gail's house (not the real place she lives in now, but a suburban affair, split level). We were leaving, walking out the door and down the driveway. M and I having some sort of serious conversation. Gail interrupting... M looking at me and saying jokingly, "Uh, yeah, we have to break up," because the tone of our conversation was serious and Gail had just interrupted... it was a joke... but... I was looking at him and saying... what, is there something you want to tell me, what's going on? And him... undecided... that's the feeling of the dream. He was undecided. And then I woke up. Frustrated. No answer. He's undecided! Just like a year ago, just like in life. It's not a definite answer. It may sound it from reading what I just wrote, but the tones and the energy of the dream were telling me... we had more to talk about... he is hesitant in making a decision... he doesn't know.. there is unfinished energy. Of this I am sure. And I always wake up before I find out the answers.

Goddammit.

Howard, my assistant, is coming over today to do some work. I will try not to cough on him. He has promised to bring me some Vick's Vapo-rub (thanks, rosie!) and some toilet paper. I cleaned the house quite a bit. I get a little winded but I might be a little better than yesterday, not sure. Hard to tell at this point.

I left Adam a message- that I was busy this weekend but we could get together after the holiday.

Haven't heard from Swing- I know he had some early-morning work. Normally a guy will call the next day after a date. I'll wait till evening and if I don't hear from him, I'll send him a thank-you.

And, as lame and pathetic as it makes me, I wish more than anything that M would show up at my door and tell me he wants to be with me.

Bwah.

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