Dear Diary,

Today I am thinking about risk and what an incredible risk it is to love someone. Really there are no guarantees and it is always possible that you can lose someone through a breakup, accident or death... in real love there is always the possibility that you can get your heart broken. I guess that's what makes it so thrilling, teetering on that wire, taking that chance. It's a strange thing.

So when I finally get over myself and any grudges against M NOT being the person I wish he could be, I may just take a risk and reach out. Of course, I wish that he would be the one to take the risk. But I have always been braver than him. Maybe I will fall flat on my face. But I am beginning to feel less terror at the thought of that. So maybe I will be okay.

Then the next thing to look forward to might be moving, or at least transitioning somehow to go live in Michael and Petra's area. Truth be told it seems like an enormous task and I can't even comprehend how it can be done with my debt, lack of funds, and the obvious need I will have for a car.

Today I returned home and B picked me up from the airport. I paid him back $100 out of the $200 that I owed him- truthfully I could have used that money to pay bills but I owe him that money from November and I couldn't look him in the face without giving him something. Meanwhile I have a full weekend set up so that should glean something...

Maybe it's just a matter of chipping away piece by piece and doing my best.

This morning I had a dream that I was somehow wrestling with a man, and I think he was then chasing me, and I just woke up with a lot of fear. I hate that feeling...

I am tired now and committed to going to bed earlier... so I gotta go.

Love,
Duck

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