Dear Diary,

I have been a bit poor about updating, I suppose...

Saturday was a busy day. I worked hard at a presentation and then had a client meeting. There were several voicemails waiting for me when I was done... one was from Elliot, wondering if I wanted to do something when I was done with work (I confess I called him the other night and we talked. I don't remember about what. I think I was lonely).

I didn't really have any intention of getting together with Elliot, because I had already made tentative plans with Steffy. I had told Steffy about Luke's party that he invited me to. But the fact that there was a hottub part of the evening was kind of a turn-off... I mean, it is the wrong time of the month for me to go to a hottub party, if you know what I mean. Plus, I am feeling awfully self-conscious about my weight these days.

So I figured the party was off but hanging with Steffy was a definite possibility. I called her twice and while I was waiting for her to call me back, I went and had some tacos, because I was starving after a long day at work. Then I decided to go to the store and buy a few baby outfits for some people I know that are expecting. I had some fun picking out some really cute outfits, but then I started getting some cramps. I downed my last two Advil and tried Steffy again. No answer.

Elliot called and asked what I was doing. The store is right near his house, I told him where I was and he could meet me if he wanted, also the state of my physical being, and jokingly asked, "Still wanna hang out with me?" haha. He said yes and came over.

I texted Steffy and told her I had bad cramps and was probably just going home. Elliot wanted to hang out, and suggested the movies. We walked all the way to the theater which somehow, was further away then he first told me. I was getting really pissed that he was making me walk all this way when I was in so much pain. We got to the movie theater and there was nothing to see: a couple of horror movies, which I'm not interested in... a couple of things sold out and others which wouldn't start for hours. It bugged me because the movies were so far away, and honestly we could have taken a cab and been there so much faster and maybe seen something worth watching, but Elliot is cheap.

Whatever. Now no movies and Elliot walked me another few blocks to a restaurant. I'd already eaten my tacos so we ordered dessert. That totally goes against what I am trying to do for myself as far as diet, but I made a deal and just ate the top part off the cupcake, the good part with the frosting, and gave the rest to Elliot. He will of course, always eat the leftovers.

It was okay, we talked about a lot of stuff but Elliot can get really exhausting. He's really interested in the exact meaning of words and always tries to trip people up about what they mean, or if they in any way contradict themselves. He is so persistant about it that it can sometimes just make you want to walk away. But finally I have learned to say, "I don't want to talk about it anymore."

Throughout the evening he guided me gently with his hand on my lower back, stroked my hair and sometimes put his head on my shoulder or kissed the top of my head. I made a point of stating I would pay for my own movie (which we didn't see) and even contributed toward the dessert bill. At the end of the evening he did kiss me on the mouth, but it was a closed-mouth kiss. I was confused as I walked home. I really had wanted to bring up what was going on with us, and how I wanted our relationship to just be a friendship. I don't want to kiss him anymore. But life would just go on and Elliot will keep trying and never say anything about it.

So I called him when I got home. And... I broached the subject... first I said, "Do you want to be my cuddling partner?" he laughed and asked what that meant. That kind of gave me an opening to describe the kind of relationship I wanted with him as opposed to the one that we used to have.

So basically, I told him. And he said some stuff too. One, he said he felt like he could never be as sensitive as I needed him to be, and two, he stated that he had decided he couldn't be monogamous. Seems interesting that he couldn't have told me this before... but for all his bravery, Elliot is really not that brave and DOES NOT COMMUNICATE. Much like Alphie!

In a nutshell, Elliot stated that he really didn't think he could be monogamous with me until we were "intimate" first, and then he could make a decision about that.

What it sounds like to me, is saying that he has to get a taste of what he'd be buying, to know that it's worth it.

And I told Elliot that's where we differ... because what I want is a man that wants me so bad that he will risk it all... he wants to be monogamous because he wants to put all his eggs in one basket with me, because he believes I'm worth it. And it might be scary, but he'd be willing to take the risk.

That didn't faze him much. We started talking about something else, and I asked Elliot how he was feeling about what we just discussed. The only remorse he expressed, was that he would never get to make love to me, because he had an inkling that I would be the best sex he's ever had.

(Well, of course).

But, seriously, that's the only thing he felt bad about. No regret about not getting to know me, go deeper with me, share or build something with me... but rather just a general malaise that he would never have a piece of this.

Holy crap, that's really how Elliot thinks. Okay we are all different in this world, but it still kind of boggles my mind. Then again, is it so strange? Should I believe that Alphie felt any differently? People are cunning, that is the truth of it.

So, I feel like I dodged a big old bullet. Choices were put in front of me, and I definitely made the right one here. I nipped this in the bud... to me it felt like a replay of the Alphie situation, only this time, I did not fall for the shiny outer layer that promises paradise but delivers only lies.

After this, I felt sooooo relieved! It's okay to be friends with Elliot, and now I feel a line has been drawn, and it's clear to both of us where it is. He will stop trying to get me to be physical with him, and I can just relax and have the relationship be what I want it to be- I am okay with talking, hanging out, even cuddling up close... but I know I don't want to be intimate with him on a physical level.

Now I feel like I have done so much good this week:

1. Got some clarity around some past stuff with Red, and also threw him a great going-away party!

2. Spoke honestly with therapist about my doubts regarding my course in therapy and my financial concerns.

3. Gained closure from Swing and spoke my piece as well.

4. Integrated something about rejection: not quite sure what, but something important!

5. Told the truth to Elliot and re-established a firm boundary in my dealing with him.

I suppose this frees up a lot of energy for other things!

It occurs to me that I'm seeing a slight pattern:

I was in love with Frank, Frank was ambivalent about me, we took a break, ended up breaking up. Then I met Alphie, who was self-absorbed and a user... got entangled with him for far too long.

Once I disentangled from Alphie, I dated Don for about three months. Then I met M (the waaay better version of Frank), whom I fell in love with... he was ambivalent about me, we took a break, ended up breaking up. Then I met Elliot (the better version of Alphie), who is somewhat self-absorbed and a user... got entangled with him for a short time.

So it makes me wonder... will there be another "Don"- a short transition guy... and then another love on the way? Maybe something better? We can hope.

My dream this morning: had something to do with M. We were talking earlier, but I can't remember about what. I'm pretty sure that in the dream we were broken up. Once again, I found myself snooping around his house. He had lain two cards, like tarot cards, face down on a cloth on the floor. I turned over the first card and looked at it. I knew it was about a guy that M went to school with that he doesn't like. I knew the second card was about me, it had a picture of a Goddess on it. I went to turn it over to see what he feels/thinks about me, but before I could see the card I woke up. Isn't that nuts?

The crazy part is I am not choosing this. I can't control my dreams!! I talked to Gail today as she is leaving for her big trip tomorrow. She so wanted me to come and hang with her today, but I didn't want to spend the money or take that crazy trip. She suggested the dream was saying there is something unfinished, and maybe I don't want to see something about myself. Maybe so.

I know she is confounded by why I keep dreaming about him. But as I said, I can't control it.... meanwhile she hasn't spoken to Craig since Thursday. She says this time, the breakup is for good. I'll believe it when I see it.

I thought about calling him today. I looked at his name on my phone and said, all I have to do is press this button. And so much FEAR came up. It's crazy. I'm not ready. I don't want to call when I feel this way. I'll just be needy. I don't want to be needy around it... I am terrified to think that I don't have a chance to connect with him again. I don't even know if we COULD connect anymore... we might both be so different. I don't know what I need, but I don't want to throw myself into the fray and get hurt. Hypnotherapy, maybe... is the answer.

I got so excited because a really cute guy friended me on FB. I remember seeing him somewhere ages ago but I never got a chance to meet him... but Ginny knows him well and says he is a real jerk. It's a shame because he's so fucking HOT. I looked at his picture and it... does things to me... shivery things! But I figured he's so good looking, he must either be really cool or a dick. Turns out he's a dick, and a waste of a good jawline and some awesome blue eyes!

Oh well oh well.

Went dancing with Bethany and Howard this afternoon, which was okay but toward the end I was struck with a sudden attack of cramps. I was really sick, and they walked to the drugstore with me to get more Advil. Then we went out to eat, and I got french toast, which yeah, I said I'd stop eating wheat but it's awfully hard to do at this time, so get off my back!!

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