Dear Diary,
If you're glad I found a way to update, clap your hands!
Today was class with Serena and it was good. First of all because I saw Thomas right away and I am really enjoying my friendship with him and David, and really most everybody in the class. Grace was not there for the first half of the class and of course I was ecstatic about that, but she showed up in the afternoon (a little disappointing I confess). However I just decided not to give her anything that she doesn't give me, so didn't bother trying to make any connection with her. And later she did comment to me about something, because it appears that she is okay ignoring me but not being ignored by me. What do you know.
Meantime I just felt like I learned so much today and I have been feeling GOOD. One, I have been sleeping better than I have in YEARS and there is something to be said for that and damn that does make me feel like I'm in love with Smitten just for that alone. At this point I feel like he's my hero!
Also I feel like there is a very big possibility that I am on the other side of my GRIEF. It has been a huge process for me which is best described in the words of the Indigo Girls, "This strange season of pain... will come to pass..." I used to listen to that song ("Fare Thee Well My Bright Star") and totally relate but I always had trouble fathoming that my season of pain would pass. And truthfully I know I have a lot more work to do, but perhaps I am further along through the tunnel at this point. Today I felt very strong. And none of this is because any guy showed up to make it better, either... rather I think Smitten is a result of moving a lot of old feelings out of my life, and making space for some newand sweeter thing.
I approached Serena after class and told her I as interested in continuing and if she would have any ideas about placing me. She said she might put me in a higher level (two levels up) but she is not sure yet and there would be some requirements for me to catch up. Even then she's still not sure she would have a place for me.
I tell myself not to get too attached to being accepted and trying to trust that I will end up where I need to be... I don't want to try and work too hard to make something happen, either I fit or I don't.
But I am glad that the first place she thought of for me is a relatively advanced placement instead of passing me along to study with one of her students... why because I know Alphie got an advanced placement and I think I would feel stupid, and it would give him another reason to look down on me. Petty I know, and total ego stuff, but hey, I am still human and imperfect.
And one last side note, Grace proclaimed in the class how her relationship is "a blast" and how she's really happy; I wonder if my intuition is correct in thinking that she doth protest too much.
Before driving home I picked up two kinds of gourmet sorbet to share with Nia and Lee. Tomorrow I've promised to make them dinner... as a thank you... They are always feeding me!
On the way home I was talking to my parents when another call came in from a number I didn't recognize - checked the VM and it was a message from Luke - pretty surprising really as it has been a whole week since that conversation started, but oh well, that's man time for you. He mentioned that he lost his job... which sound like it sucks indeed.
Rather than call him back right away, I called Red instead, which is my solution to acting too soon/appearing desperate. Spoke with Red and Callie and they sound like they are getting along well, though Red is a little frustrated that his furniture has still not arrived. I will give the calling-Luke-back situation over to the 24 hour rule.
No word from Smitten today, no emails or photos received or sent. Would really like that, but have learned that one of the best things one can give a man is the gift of space. I remember when I went to see that energy lady on 1/7/08 (see entry), she told me, "You give too much... you have to hold back... just a little!"
Anyway it's good to have two guys to play with, even if one is only strictly for play, because then I don't focus ALL my energy on one person and build up too much expectation.
A reasonably good system.
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