Dear Diary,

Poor updating in the last few days, but not much I can do about it...

Went to Serena's class, which was good. Grace was there the whole day, we said good morning and then also exchanged a few (friendly) words when we crossed on the way to the restroom. She always runs right out after class and I bet it's because Alphie is waiting for her. He probably was upset the last time he saw me in the driveway, and never wants that to happen again. I suppose there is some talk about me on the way home... but no matter, I am doing really well in the class for myself, and that's what counts.

What I realized the most is how undeserving I feel: how I have a total lack of entitlement around love, money, success... everything. I'm not quite sure how to change it, but... I'll try.

I sent Smitten a photo from the airport. Debated about doing it. Really wanted to call him, but then I am usually disappointed when he doesn't pick up. I know he likes the picture thing. He responded with a comment about the photo and then we chatted back and forth... he was very cute and I told him he could call when I got home. He said he would try me tomorrow. I did get home pretty late so maybe he is already in bed.

I am wondering if I have just attracted a mirror of myself in that Smitten also has a hard time deserving love... well that would make two of us and that makes life hard. I mean that was the issue with M, and I'd like to think I've moved up in the scheme of things and the Universe would at least give me something a little better. Somebody who's a little more ready. I don't know, maybe I'm not that ready? Maybe there's a whole bunch of stuff around me that I don't see.

Plus that whole retrograde thing. So I have to keep reminding myself that I need to have patience.... I don't do patience very well.

On the plane I bent down to pick up my iPod, which I had dropped on the floor, and I severely tweaked my shoulder/neck somehow as it was pushed up against the seat in front of me. This will definitely require attention from the PT and probably a trip to the chiropractor, as now I am in pain.

Also I have been doing everything I possibly can to avoid eating sugar. So far: I've gone three whole days. It's been okay... but right now I am really having cravings. On Wednesday I went out and had BBQ with Nia and Lee, and I'm sure there's sugar in the BBQ sauce, but I'm not going to worry about stuff like that. I'm talking about cakes and cookies and chocolate and all the shit I really want to stuff my face with.

Because I guess I didn't mention, that the day I had the altercation with Elliot and the nutrionist, I also got an email from Howard, saying it might be nosy, but he was concerned about me and believed that I 'didn't eat enough'. This was because he was assisting me all day on Sunday and I had three major presentations to do, so I was grabbing a little chicken and salad in between. But there wasn't a lot of time to eat, so I just nibbled a little bit and Howard felt that I should have just sat down and ate instead of talking to people and trying to set things up.

Well. I know Howard's heart is in the right place, but it was just the wrong subject on the wrong day. Later on Monday evening after work, Howard asked me if I had gotten his email, and I said yes, and that food was a topic that I needed a lot of space with. And I left it at that. Basically it was, watch out, back the fuck off, because as you, Dear Diary, know, this is a loaded issue for me, and if people don't know my history with food- basically that I struggled and still struggle with compulsive eating tendencies, that it messed up my relationship with food and the understanding of my body, so sometimes I miss my own hunger signals, that emotions and eating are confused and intertwined for me... well, nobody can really understand that or come in with any helpful information and really, I don't want it. Just everybody back the fuck off the issue of my food and nutrition and let me handle it, unless I specifically ask for help.

Jesus. But of course Howard doesn't know any of this, so that's what I said, polite enough, that I just needed space around it, and I think Howard knows enough to back off. He should, anyway...

The weird and embarrassing thing was after all that- straightening things out with Elliot and the nutritionist, setting a boundary with Howard, I was walking home late at night, went into the convenience store and bought two Hostess apple pies and ate them on the way home. Wheat and sugar, things I am trying to avoid. I don't know why I did it. Because I could? To show all those guys somehow that they couldn't control my food? To sabotage myself? Maybe a little of all those things. It's confusing and sad, when such a little thing feels like it has so much control over my life. When I don't even know WHY I do shit like that. I think after that I had the dream about the bomb and anger. I think I'm pretty pissed, but all I know how to do is swallow it. So before I even allow myself to feel even a little bit of anger, I will stuff it down with pies or whathaveyou. But it's big. And frightening.

For the most part, when on my own I've been trying to eat protein and lots of salads and greens. Thursday at class I got really grouchy, because David was trying to force me to go to lunch where he and Thomas wanted to go, which is a type of food I don't like. And David kept telling me things like, "You should expand your horizons," blah blah blah. David can be a little pushy about things and that was one of them... I hate when people tell me I "should" do anything. And the fact of the matter is, I have eaten that type of food before, and never liked it. I don't like the style or the spices. They just don't appeal to me. And just because it's a different restaurant in a different city, doesn't make it much different. There are only two kinds of food I don't like: and that's one of them. Pretty much everything else I will eat. I will eat alligator. Vegetarian. Raw. Extra hot and spicy. Whatever. But those two styles, I don't want!

At the last minute I veered off and told them I was going to get some chicken and salad, and I would come by and meet them at their restaurant when I was done. And that's what I did. Glad I remained true to myself, because I noticed I was feeling pretty irritated by David's assumption that he could steer me where he wanted me. And control my gastrointestinal needs. I think not!

My neck is sore and stiff. Owie. Must go to bed.

Love,
Duck

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