Dear Diary,

An exhausting day. It started out with me going to check in with the superintendent of my building- and getting bitten by a dog.

He watches his daughter's dog, sometimes, during the day- a little sweet fluffy thing. Well recently the daughter also found a stray, so the super's been watching him too. He's obviously had a hard life, since he barks threateningly at everybody. Usually what happens is he barks and barks at me while the super holds him back, and if I pet the other little white fluffy dog, nasty dog calms down a bit and observes, I guess trying to figure out if I am truly threatening.

Only that didn't happen this time. Somehow, nasty dog broke free of the super's grip and lunged at me teeth bared, and bit me right in the thigh. He only scratched me, and didn't break the skin, but he did leave three perfect holes in the leg of my pants.

What the hell.

Surprisingly I was not as alarmed or shocked as I thought I might be, considering I was visciously attacked by a dog some years ago and was severely traumatized by it. Apparently I was just too busy today to be traumatized.

Then, appropriately, I went to therapy. Where once again we talked about is this working for me? And my money concern. Therapist emphasizes again and again the importance of continuous therapy- yes, I fucking get it- but MONEY is an issue. Duh. I told her how I had gone online and looked at admin jobs, and how I felt that wave of "soul-crushing" energy just looking at those jobs. And I didn't want to do it. She said that sometimes the Universe provides us with soul-crushing experiences to learn from, to which I replied, "Yes, I'm well aware, the last two years have been a soul-crushing experience for me." I really don't think I need that from a job.

At this point, it's still up in the air. In a way, I know I like to believe I am smarter than everyone, because don't get me wrong, I am smart. But even the smartest person can trick themselves into not seeing what the problem REALLY is. I am well aware of that. I know I get stuck, and I stop moving energy around for myself- I sit on my anger, I get lost in my emotion... I stuff it down with food. I just don't know if this therapist is the RIGHT person to really help me with my problems. I can't tell. She asked me why I had left my other therapists. I think she was trying to draw a line and try to categorize me as someone who gives up. But I don't know if anyone could ever categorize me as someone who gives up.

I did end up in tears though and that shows that something is there. I am scared to end therapy and feel overwhelmed by continuing. I am frightened of my constantly draining checkbook. It's a serious situation.

After therapy I checked my phone and there was a message from Bethany. Right now it feels really, like Bethany is one of the only people that show up for me in my life. None of the men I know are doing it.

I called Bethany back and said I would pick up some lunch and come over to her place. I had not eaten my healthy protein breakfast, so I was starving. I got us a couple of burritos and headed over. We ate, looked at some books and Bethany made me some hot chocolate. Screw the sugar/chocolate ban. Right now it's about surviving, sleeping, eating as well as I can with three + meals a day including protein and vegetables, and trying not to binge.

Then we decided to go to the Pottery Barn and use a gift certificate she had to buy a wedding gift for a friend. So we went there and looked around at pretty things and she chose something. Then we stopped at Bed Bath & Body and smelled some lotions and tried some testers. Then we went into another clothing store and tried a bunch of stuff on. The store was obviously for thin-type girls with no breasts or hips, because everything I tried on mashed in my chest or didn't even fit. Ironically, Bethany who is several sizes bigger than me, found two shirts she really liked, so I was glad for her. She has money anyway because she is working now.

That took a good portion of the day, and I caught my bus home, eager to get in and put on my pajamas right away. I returned some calls but just left messages because I really didn't want to talk to anyone at all... I don't feel like it. I did call my mom because she sent me something in the mail yesterday- but I excused myself from the conversation because I didn't feel like talking to her either.

I am just no good for anyone at this point, so really, they should understand that they are lucky that I am not talking to them. Really. It's for their own protection.

I am exhausted and overwhelmed regarding emotions and money, and I am truly bummed about Smitten. Maybe I am being overdramatic, after all Gail pointed out that men are different from us as far as calling and keeping in touch etc, but I erased his name from my phone. I'm sure I could find it if I needed to, through his email or something, but I just don't want his name to be there in my contact list where I might be tempted to call him again. Because, REALLY. I feel like a fool. I am always making the effort. I know it doesn't look extreme on the outside (I don't think) but I have no way to monitor myself because I am just not any good at this kind of stuff. But pretty much I should assume that if I call and leave a message and he doesn't call back, that I should stop calling. I'm not a stalker after all.

And I can't remember if I told the tale of conversing with Luke via FB chat, he told me to hang on, then the next thing you know he was offline. How very very rude. We never made any plans. Then yesterday he texts me that it's a beautiful day for a motorcycle ride and does he know anyone that would like to go? Hello, I'm not Last Minute Sally. I waited till today and texted soberly, "I might know someone." But really it is all just distraction until someone more interested comes along.

Notice how I said more interested. Not more interesting. PHhhhbbbbt.

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