Hi Diary,

Well I didn't even want to write yesterday since I have been making stupid and costly mistakes all over the place. Of course at a time when I need money the most.

But I guess I'm just giving up. I mess up, is all. I'm in my thirties and my life savings is $153. I am in debt. It wasn't always this way. Right now I don't even feel that I have any skills at all to go out and get another type of employment that I would enjoy. I have never had a relationship that has lasted more than two years, and right now I can't seem to even find someone that wants to hang out with me. I probably still have PTSD from a surgery that took place 13 years ago. I still struggle with an eating disorder that I developed at that time.

So I'm sure if Keith were here, he would say to focus on the positive things. So I will try: I have made a bit of money this week. Not quite my rent, but that I should definitely make by this Saturday because I have a big client. So I won't be paying it all by the 1st, but at least it will get paid.

I have a hard time being positive about any relationship. I'm excited about someone for the first time in a long time, but never sure how things will pan out. I can't read men. At times I don't even trust myself, because I have made such erroneous choices in the past. (I know: none of that is positive. Hmm... let me try again:)

I met a man who tells me I'm beautiful. Even in the midst of his own pain and confusion he cared enough to let me know that he was thinking about me and that he hadn't disappeared. He wants to connect with me when he gets back.

Last week I ate really well. When I eat protein and lots of salad, I feel better. I can sleep now. I feel like I look better when I am more rested and have eaten well.

There. How's that for positive?

Gail wanted me to come and hang out with her today. I told her I didn't have the money, and she said she would foot the bill. I know she is lonely, and a little messed up because she doesn't have an apartment yet. But then she wants to go to the mall or something. I don't want to go to the mall- I have no money. So really it's just the typical Gail who doesn't want to be lonely, she's willing to pay for companionship, but still, it's not something I really want to do.

Later.

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