Dear Diary,

What a day, what a day.

I woke up early. Shower, breakfast, out the door. Went to the bus stop. Lost twenty dollars trying to buy a bus pass- the machine ate it. Which meant I had to spend more money, as well as losing that money. I was swearing up and down, quite violently, in front of lots of people. It actually felt good, even though I felt like crying afterward, so I don't care. Better than holding it all inside.

Work was okay, but I had to turn around and immediately spend all that money to debts waiting to be paid. I am feeling like I'm on some kind of edge, and it's very frightening.

Got a text from Luke in the morning- his meeting was moved back, so we were meeting an hour later. So I texted him "I will definitely be hungry by then," his response: "Then we will have to feed the Duckie monster!"

So I meet him for lunch, at a place he chooses. I order a steak salad- pretty good. We talk about random things- it's not so bad. We are actually making up stories and kind of testing each other's imaginations. The check comes, and he says, "How do you want to do this? Do you just want to split it?"

I am confused, and disappointed, to say the least. Wasn't this a date? But I throw $20 at lunch- something I would not have spent had I known I was paying for myself.

(Later, I would realize how confusing it all was- Luke was flirting with me. He talked about "taking" me somewhere, "figuring out what to do with me", and "feeding" me -- pardon me but that's all date stuff, in my experience. Things guys say and do when they are planning on treating. If it had been more clear, I would have no problem paying for my own lunch but probably would have requested going somewhere cheaper).

So when that happened I was thinking, ok, so it's not a date- I get it. Cause a date is when someone pays for me (in my mind). Keep in mind also that I am aware Luke lives in an expensive part of town, just bought a new motorcycle, travels constantly and "parties" in Hollywood, and was working on a brand new Mac laptop when I got to the table- so he's not broke, like moi.

Ok, I say to myself, at least this makes it clear. He just wants to be friends, we're not dating. Then when he comes back to the bathroom, he lies on the booth next to me and wants to put his head in my lap. What?! I am rather appalled. Then he is dillying and dallying, we leave the restaurant and go to his apartment. Big screen TV, new computer with 23" monitor, nice stereo, leather couch, etc etc. Also pictures of himself everywhere. So at least the boy has a healthy self esteem.

But now, because of his lagging at the restaurant, we don't have time to go for a bike ride. It's fine, because now I don't really trust this guy with my life anyway. He is being weird. He flirted and sent messages that he was "taking" me out, but then wants to go dutch. Then he's putting his head in my lap and pushing himself up against me in the elevator, telling me I smell nice. Was he waiting for me to kiss him? I don't know. I just know as soon as he said that thing about splitting the check I withdrew inside myself.

I know I've talked about this before. Perhaps I've been spoiled. But I do like a certain type of guy. Not necessarily about shopping, Prada & Gucci- I'm not even into all that shit. But I like it when a guy takes me out to eat, even if it's cheap. And that's how it's been for me and that's how I like it. In return, I give a lot- a lot of love, a lot of praise, a lot of great blowjobs and incredible sex, that and whatever else the feminine has to offer. But I don't date dutch. I just don't. It's a turn off.

Plus to me it's just mixed signals. "Taking me" but not taking me, then trying to make moves on me that are not complete moves but ambiguous and weird. Maybe there's just no real chemistry- and he felt it too.

Regardless, I miss my $20. I really needed that cash, especially after losing the $20 this morning.

After that, I felt disheartened and went to Bethany's. I was sitting on her bed watching her move all her furniture including her television, and hook up all her cables for DVD etc. Then Howard called on Bethany's phone and he was just a couple blocks away, so I told him to come over and use his penis to help Bethany figure out how to hook up her TV. So he did. Nobody seemed to mind that I was doing less than nothing for the situation.

After that, we all snuggled up and watched an episode of "The Lucy Show", then Howard walked me to the bus stop and I came home.

That is all. Sometimes it's just good to go to sleep, so you can start all over again.

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