#2

Dear Diary,

After some strange dreams (something to do with ferrets?!) I am awake. Feeling okay, as okay goes.

I am procrastinating of course... I don't know how I can get myself together. I have to clean the house, too.

First off, I am feeling extremely disappointed about my airline points... I was close to a free flight yesterday, but overnight some of my points expired. I guess they expire after a year... so now... I will not be able to catch up... they will keep expiring before I can use them. That's just no fair. Sure, if I had the money, or wanted to get a credit card from the airline, I would be able to get a free flight.

But, I don't want to do that.

Got an email from Smitten today- but one of those group emails, not a correspondence that's directed at me... two poems that he wrote and wanted to send to his friends. The first one is about N3xt Time We K!ss"... and I pretty much got the gist that it's not about me... he is obviously in love with someone else, a bit shattered... so we have more in common as I thought.

I feel a bit tired, and I'm not going to respond. Maybe I'll send him a card for his birthday, which is (holy cow!) next week. Or maybe... I dunno. I'm not angry... maybe I'm a bit sad... and maybe it makes sense that he was avoiding the kissing question so passionately- because he really wants to be kissing someone else, not me. Yes, I guess I'm sad.

It must be a day of strange correspondence, because I was checking another one of my email accounts (I have about five! now) and there was a short note from Alphie,

"Hello Duck,
I just wanted to say hello. I hope that is OK?
I send blessings of love, laughter and bliss Alphie"

Uh, ok. So... Alphie is Mr. Spiritual now. There is a chance that he considers me more "grown up" now that I am almost finished with my second year with Serena. Or there is the very likely possibility that he wants something. For now, I'm betting on the latter, and will proceed cautiously.

What I realized more than anything is how angry I am. I am angry at all sorts of ways people have let me down. And then when I look at it another way, I can see that people just do the best they can do in every moment- even when it doesn't work out for me, or seem caring or considerate- I mean really, it doesn't matter... because it was still THE BEST THEY COULD DO... out of fear, or anger, or ignorance, or hope, or love, or self-protection, or whatever- people just do the best they can do.

And I'm not just talking about Alphie here, or M, or Frank... I have some teachers in my past, some friends (like Shana and Bruce) and LOTS of other people. But when I try to imagine the scope of this anger, it just seems too deep, too dark, and Too Much.

The funny thing is that to look at me, you would probably never guess that I have so much rage in me. The words people use to describe me are "sweet" and "happy" and "joyful" and "loving". And I am all those things, but I am also pissed. Sometimes when I make a reference to being angry, people laugh at me because they cannot imagine it.

It's not funny.

It really isn't! Gah.

Well I suppose I should get off my ass and clean the house a bit... Keith will be here tomorrow. And Will might be stopping by tonight... so...

I was supposed to be hanging out with Steffy, but there is a part of me more than anything that wants the bodywork from Will- because I am tired and slightly stressed about Keith coming here and being here so long... and I just want to pamper myself a bit. Steffy spoils me with food, but my body hurts.

I don't think I ever mention it here, really, but I am pretty much in constant pain for the last 4 years or so... it seems some accidents and minor injuries have caught up with me... sometimes I am just amazed that this is my body, because I was never like this... so I just want to feel better. I have spent such a long time working on my emotional health, that it seems my physical health has suffered... severely.

So I want to feel better with that.

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