Hi Diary,

I know I have been so very very remiss about writing... I have just been so stinkin' tired.

I have been going to bed earlier... so that's good news... and actually sleeping at Nia and Lee's house. Well, to a point.

There were a couple of issues that came up. I tried to make life a little easier for everyone by staying with Thomas and his girlfriend, which is always fun. Then Thomas drives me to class, which was good... and I had lunch with he and David, which was okay... David can kind of get on my nerves a bit. I know he is having trouble in his marriage, but sometimes he waxes esoteric and I just can't follow him. Everything is so monumental. And, I might just be tired about hearing about other people's relationships, I'm not sure. I used to hang out with a couple that Frank and I met on our vacation- they were nice enough people, but all they would talk about was their RELATIONSHIP- all the time. All their perspectives, problems and whatever else. Even in front of their kids! It was really boring. It's not like they were paying me. They were never in the moment with me- just analyzing themselves. Ugh.

After class, I took public transportation. Lee had told me to give them a call when I was on my way. I could have taken two trains but honestly I only wanted to take one. I was tired of buses and trains. I guess I was a bit lazy. But that might have been part of the problem too.

Nia came to pick me up, with the dog and baby in the car. The baby is so big now, he's amazing. And that dog, let's just say that dog loves me. When he sees me he gets super excited, wants to sit in my lap and plays this "game" with me where we both pretend we are going to bite each other. Then he puts his head on my shoulder and goes to sleep. It's so funny! And really, I don't know why I should be, but I am amazed that he remembers me so well that he would get so excited, and remember our "game".

We went out to eat, and to bed- the next day Nia had to go to work for half a day, and I drove Lee to the airport with the baby in the car. We dropped Lee off, then baby and I got a little lost getting home from the airport, but no worse for wear. I was kind of worried he would cry when he saw daddy leave, but he was fine- just kept pointing at things on the roadway. Got him home, gave him a snack, took baby and dog for a walk, out to the front yard to play, then plunked him in his crib for a nap. He played for 45 minutes but eventually fell asleep- the little nugget.

This may sound terrible, but I am amazed at my own patience. I used to babysit, but never really had patience for kids. I think all the personal growth work I've done has given me a LOT of patience, and understanding, and I just roll with it. Understanding the kid has to stand in a puddle or take 10 minutes to go up and down the stairs, because it's all about experience. And the dog is a dog, and he wants to lie in the sun, and sniff things, because that's what dogs do. And the baby eats when he is hungry, because it is natural and that is what his body is telling him to do- I don't have to worry that he's "eating too much" or stuff like that. I just feel that somehow, I have come outside my own world of abuse and control and I can see that it's all okay to let these beings what they are and these impulses do not have to be controlled. And I don't know if I'm making sense, but I feel so much more relaxed within myself.

So. Lee had to go get his father, who just had an operation, so that left Nia and I by ourselves. We took a long walk with baby and dog, rented a DVD and made some food. She suggested we sleep in the same bed. Only thing is, Nia flips and flops around when she sleeps, like she is the victim of an alligator attack. And she talks in her sleep. A LOT. None of it makes any sense, so it's not like there's anything interesting to say about that- other than I was repeatedly woken up 6 or 7 times by her constant moving and talking. I don't know how Lee gets any rest... and Nia, talk about being WOUND UP!

Saturday was when things really came out in the open. Nia's mother, whom I have mentioned here before, invited herself over for mother's day. I could hear Nia on the phone saying that she had a lot going on, with me there, and Lee's father coming and recuperating from his operation, and his father's dog... basically she was telling her mother all her overwhelm, but her mother was like, "Oh it will be fine, I'll only come for a short while, what should I bring?" After she hung up Nia complained, "Couldn't my mother tell that I don't want her to come over?" To which I replied, "I don't think she could. I think you have to tell her outright."

Then a bit later on I heard Nia really lose it in the back room- shouting and swearing and breaking stuff- I was with the baby in the front, and kept him distracted and just pretended not to notice. Then she had to vacuum up all the shit she broke.

Later she came out, and I told her I would leave, I could go stay with Stacey, I didn't want to be in the way. She told me I was easy, that wasn't really the problem- but that she HAD had plans before I came, then I called at the last minute and let them know I was staying with them- Lee told her- and she had to change her plans. That plus the situation with Lee's dad... and the forgotten mother's day...

Then she left- I had told her I would watch the baby, because she wanted to go to a friend's house and get some clothes. While she was gone, I thought a lot about it. What I really heard there, was that she needs more notice from me about if I am staying with them or not. Which I totally understand. I am the same.

I just felt the best thing for me to do was leave- and not in a running-away way... but just for them to have one less person in the house. So I called Stacey, and asked if she could come and get me the next day. She, her husband and kid are all sick, but she said she would. We made plans to talk later.

When Nia came home, I told her I could go, but she said it was unnecessary. She had called her mother, and told her not to come- being much more clear. I did tell her that I would give her more notice from now on, and she said, "That would be really good," For me now, it all makes sense... I do the same thing... accomodating and accomodating, and getting angrier and angrier... but now I'm glad I know the truth of what Nia needs... because now she doesn't have to grin and bear something that annoys her... which would just create resentment and ruin our friendship. So that was important.

Lee arrived with his father, who is a near-deaf alcoholic. Imagine how fun that is! I helped Nia make dinner. I had gotten all the stuff out of the guest room, washed the sheets and cleaned up for Lee's dad. We had dinner, and were all completely wiped out from shouting at the deaf drunk old man. So Nia and I once again shared a bed and Lee slept in his office. This time I wore earplugs, but I still woke up quite a bit with all of Nia's tossing and turning.

In the morning Lee's dad left, and once again it was just us three and the baby. We didn't do much at all. I kept suggesting things to do, but Nia and Lee seemed happy enough to do little chores around the house, and sit in the front lawn with iced tea. Finally I just figured that if they truly wanted to do anything I suggested, I had put it out there and they could just tell me. But in general they are the kind of people that like to hang around the house and do House Things. Having never owned a house, I don't quite know what that feels like.

At any rate, it felt like Nia and I really connected, even on the drive to the airport today. I keep telling her to come and visit before she gets pregnant again- so maybe she will come this summer.

So now... for something completely different.

Last week at work I met a guy... of course he is not my type, but he was there. He is fairly good looking, darker than me, with nice eyes... but... kind of a nerd. Doesn't have a very deep voice, seems kind of shy. Super, super smart... and amazing hands. This guy touched me and I felt HEAT coming from his hands... I dunno. John was there, and this guy Will, he offered anyone who needed one a ride home. So you know I jumped on that... then after some consultation it was determined that he could give John a ride home too... so... in he got. Now this part was awkward. Because I felt like Will might be flirting with me, but I recently just turned John down about dating. So what to do about that? They dropped me off first, and I'm assuming John got home all right!

That was only a couple days before I left for Serena's, but I kind of made a little decision- that I was going to turn my attention to Will. I tried to fantasize about him. Really I just wanted to get my attention off Smitten.

So Will called me the next day, but I told him I was going away. Then he sent me a text saying "Let me know a good time to call you." I wrote him back before my plane took off today, saying, "I'll be back tonight at 10:30." When my plane landed, there was a message from Will saying, basically, to let him know if I needed to be picked up from the airport. Well. It is hard for a girl like me to refuse a ride from the airport!

I called him, and he insisted he only lived 15 minutes from the airport, so he came and got me. Then we went to get a bite at the diner, and that man rubbed my neck and shoulders a bit too, with those magic hands. But not at all in a sleazy way, that's the nice thing about it. We were walking back to the car and he put his hand on my low back. I almost knocked over a sign with my bag and made some joke about being dangerous, and he said something to the effect of, "That's the kind of woman I like," then he asked me to the movies. So it's not just my imagination.

He likes me.

He dropped me off at home with just a hug. There was some talk about possibly getting together tomorrow. I shall have to see... I have to get ready for Keith to come, and I have sooooo much stuff to do.... well I will try not to be stressed out about it.

I don't feel THAT attracted to him at all. I like his magic hands. And, like Smitten, Will doesn't feel quite masculine enough for me. But hey, I'm sure as soon as I start to like him, he'll just start ignoring me. That seems to be The Thing That Happens- happened with Smitten, didn't it? Come to think of it, happened with everybody.

So no worries. I'm not thinking too much. Just wondering what the Universe wants to tell me... once again sending me a slightly un-masculine, healer-type man...

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