Dear Diary,

I cannot believe it but even after three days of cramps, and a sore chest... IT'S still not here... somewhat like an exquisite form of torture... argh!

Can I just tell you that I love living by myself? I love keeping my own hours, unplugging the clock in the bedroom and just waking up when I wake up. And I am not in a hurry for Keith to come back... at all. We talked on the phone yesterday, and he is tripping over Steffy... the same way he has been with Amy. Meaning, he talks and talks and talks about how wonderful he thinks Steffy is (he met her last week), and how he sooo wants to be friends with her, and he really thinks they could be friends, and of course it wouldn't be more than that, because it just wouldn't be practical, and he's made that clear to her...

WHAT I DIDN'T SAY: Uh. No worries dude. I can pretty much assure that you are NOT what Steffy is looking for. You don't live here, you're too old for her and she wants to get married and have kids.... so I don't think it crossed her mind at all to get romantically involved with you.

WHAT I DID SAY: Uh, okay.

But Keith has to mention her everyday, and just talks about establishing the friendship with such neediness: i.e., "I really think this friendship could work, I really want to be friends...." which is the tip-off for me that he has a major CRUSH on her. Because really, when you meet a new friend, can't you just chill and let it develop? Nobody gets all obsessive about how a friendship is going to work... that's the shit you do when you have a crush on somebody. Ask me, I'm the Queen of Obsession.

Whichever. I shouldn't have talked to him at all yesterday- this is supposed to be my break from him, remember? And sometimes he just gets annoying with that stuff.

I had a dream this morning, which I sort of remember parts of- mainly, going to the circus with Bethany. There was a parachute-type thing in all colors of the rainbow, and sometimes it would fall and drape on the audience and we would have to toss it back up into the air. There were also some more complex happenings, but I can't remember them.

Yesterday was an extremely productive day, for me. I borrowed a hammer from next door, and hung the print in my bedroom. It looks good, I think. I also painted my shelf, and it's dried pretty quickly, so I think I'm going to move it into my hallway today. I planted some more seeds, and the ones that are sprouting get watered daily and make me excited. Just something about things growing...

I also cooked some fish last night- with butter and garlic and lemon- it was delicious. And while that was cooking I cleaned the bathtub, and later I took a bath and read part of my book. The whole day, cramps aside, was very enjoyable and lazy.

To me it is amazing the way someone (me) can make a home. Just a way of living- decorating- the flavor of someone's house and how they choose to live. I guess part of me is still amazed that I have come this far. Sometimes I can't believe I'm doing it. I don't know if that means that part of me feels so inadequate that I amaze myself.

And to catch up on some issues:

Alphie- haven't responded on his request to hang out, but I have an idea about how I may respond.

Will- sent me a text message "When are we having our movie date?" last week but I ignored it. Then he called the other day but didn't leave a message. I find a hard time being attracted to him at all, I was telling B and his girl about his "feminine-ness" and they thought it was hilarious. Girl said I should take what I can get and let him bring me to the movies. Well, I don't know.

Smitten- No word from him, of course- he's probably still out of the country, and I never made him that damn card. His birthday was last week, but I'll probably still send it.

Irinia- She sent me an email and said we can talk about my concerns in a few days when things are less hectic. Then after some thought, it seems, she sent me another email that she want me to promote her events too like she promotes mine. The girl has no marketing sense and she doesn't understand promoting, percentages or just how basic marketing works, particularly when people are helping each other out. And, I'm really not sure if she thinks I am her partner on her spin-off business, which I'm not. I'm always feeling like she's trying to pull on me and get me to do something for her, but even though we have collaborated on a couple of things, I have always considered that to be HER baby, and I don't want the responsibility of being her partner. And not just because she's all over the place- just because I like being independent and I don't WANT a business partner.

So I suppose we'll have to have a conversation about that. It's okay, because the more I think about it, the better off I'll be without all these weird "friendships" and hassles...

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