So, a confession:

Last night (this morning, whatever) I looked at all the old photos of M and I. Yes, I still miss him. I don't feel quite as devastated, so that's good. Maybe I will even be able to talk to him someday soon, without feeling like I will be completely obliterated. That would be nice.

You may think I'm crazy, but I have a sense that something is being prepared- as evidenced by my dream of M riding up my driveway on a gold-plated motorcycle, and I was holding the key. It feels like somehow, my psyche is making space for us to meet again. And M will be showing up as his best self (symbolized by the gold) and I will have some power (symbolized by the key).

I haven't left the house in two days now. I thought about going out today- Lalla has something of mine, and on the way to get that I could stop by and see Jimmy, or I could hang out with Bethany- but I just feel tired. And it's been raining, and gray, and I'm just not feeling very motivated. What can I say?

Maybe I'll go to the market, and get some veggies and some supplies for my flight on Saturday. Maybe I'll take a shower, or better yet, a bath. I suppose I should call Will; he called me yesterday and also texted late at night, and I never responded. But then I have the fear that he will want to do something, and I really have no reason NOT to do something, other than I just don't feel like it. I suppose that's good enough reason, that I just want to be alone. I would rather be alone than hang out with him, even if it means missing out on his magic hands.

He's a nice enough guy; and B's girl suggested I take it wherever I can get it, and let him rub me and buy me dinner and movie tickets, but he is just not attractive to me for a couple of reasons. Lack of manliness being one; and self-loathing another. I'm not interested in either one of those things.

So, I'll probably just be back later and let you know how my day is going.

Thanks sigmofly for the shout out and mentioning my Diary!! ;)

Love,
Duck

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