Dear Diary,

Feel like I at least owe a short entry. Honestly sometimes when I go away, I just feel like I don't have enough time to myself.

I stayed with Stacey, and it was good... she makes great dinners just about every night and is very laid back. Her husband even talked to me a bit this time, and he made me lunch one day. What do you know?

Stacey is still doing her thing with extra-marital affairs, and pretty much giving her kid whatever he wants. So it will be interesting to see how it all turns out. She also convinced me to buy a new dress, which I did with some guilt. Even though I hardly ever buy clothes because I spend most of my money on airfare. Her kid was in the dressing room with me, which was really big curtains. Then he started peeking at another woman who was changing, she didn't like it, and I had to explain to him several times that I didn't want him to do that, and what privacy was. His mother never teaches him stuff like that- it is very rare that he is not allowed to do everything, but if it's something that requires discipline she will usually distract him with something else instead, which I don't think is a good replacement for understanding boundaries. I just said, "Sometimes people just want to be alone when they do stuff like change their clothes or go to the potty. That's called privacy. So we're gonna give that lady her privacy." I wasn't mean about it or anything, just made it a natural thing.

I enjoyed Serena's class a whole lot. And I found out that I can come next year- I will actually be bumping up several levels and so I will really have to work hard to catch up. This year I have NOT been working that hard at all, so I have to get on the stick. It did make me incredibly happy to get accepted, but I feel like I don't have too many people in my life that will understand that!

I've been depressed, off and on, about the M thing, but I feel a little more settled about it now. I figured I can just write him a letter- it is more personal than email or text, yet doesn't feel as invasive and confrontational as a phone call. Oh, yeah, and I pray about it too.

I came home yesterday. The original plan was that Will (of the magic hands) would pick me up from the airport, and we would go to the movies. The more I thought about it, the more I dreaded it. I am getting more and more turned off by Will... the sound of his voice... his effeminism (is that a word??), and when he doesn't have anything else to talk about, he will talk about his Wii. I really don't give a shit. Anyway my flight was delayed about an hour, he picked me up, but we could still make the movie. Then we get there and he discovers he's forgotten his wallet and I have to treat him anyway with my meager funds. Damn... at least it wasn't him taking me on a date, cause I've already decided I can't even pretend to date him. He's just not masculine enough, he doesn't love himself, and I'm not into it.

We saw Land of the Lost, and I laughed through the whole thing. Some people walked out, I think because they must not have ever watched the real Land of the Lost show. You had to be prepared for monkey people and lizard people, and, with Will Ferrell, poop jokes. I don't always find him funny, but I did last night!

I was just happy to get home to my own place. I told Will to be careful driving home without his license... it would suck to be pulled over. He asked if I wanted him to call me and let me know that he made it home safe... uh... ok. I didn't really care. He's the man. I'm supposed to trust that a man could keep himself safe. It's the woman who's supposed to notify the man that she's made it home!

Enough about that.

A word about Smitten: I watched a movie he recommended to me on Friday night. You know I never went to bed that night/morning, and that's the time I also found out about M moving. So I was sleep-deprived and didn't really feel like I had much to lose. So I emailed him and just said I watched the movie, it was cute. I liked the city it was shot in and the scene with the kiss on the escalator.

Then I flew for several hours, and after I landed, Smitten had sent me this message, "I like kissing."

Wha?! You wouldn't know it... the guy had the blatant opportunity to kiss me, and didn't. Then he wouldn't respond to that email exchange where I told him I wanted him to kiss me. So what the fuck?

He had also called me, but, obviously I was flying. So I called him back, got his VM, and we played phone tag for a few days. I finally caught him on Monday, and we talked for a bit. It was good timing, actually, because I was really happy about the class with Serena and what I'd just discovered, so it was good for him to hear me that way. Every other sentence out of his mouth was blatant sexual innuendo, how he wants to do this and that to me, etc. It was actually kind of annoying, because I was trying to talk to him about real things, and we weren't getting anywhere.

He (again) says he's coming here to live, when I asked when? He says soon. I say, can you be a little more specific? He says no, not really, because.... blah blah blah. I say, this month, or next? This month, he says. Unless he gets a shitload of money for this next job, and then Jimmy will go down there and work with him.

Whateveh.

Stacey says the whole thing with Smitten is boring, and he should either put out or shut up. And, I realized I hung up and never asked if he got the birthday card I sent him, and he never mentioned anything about it. Either he is very forgetful, or unappreciative (even though he told me I was a beautiful person with a beautiful soul, but those could just be words). I don't think I'll ask about the card. And actually this whole thing is under review. I'm not sure what is going on or how I actually feel about it. He obviously has some connection/communication problems, which is not attractive. He is attractive to me when I am near him, but that could just be a bad pattern that I have wherein "I pick the wrong men" (remember that SITC episode where Carrie dates the guy from her therapist's office?). At this point he really does NOT seem like steady Boyfriend Material, and I don't know if I could do Casual Sexual Thing without falling obsessively in love with another unavailable man.

Sometimes I really hate that about myself.

[previous] [next]