Dear Diary,

I wanted to update last night, but had so much to do and I was tired... I did finally fall asleep that night...set my alarm and got up early (for me). Paid some bills, showered, took care of some other things then went to see Smitten. Had promised him some cookies, which I never sent to him while he was away, mainly because he ignored me so much. But he had brought it up, so I decided to make good on my promise.

He was pleased to get his package but was not as affectionate as the day before. Still tried to fondle me, but I am kind of over that part. He gave me some acupuncture, and then we were hanging around talking. A lot of the joking he engages in is kind of mean, and I'm not used to it. For instance he was saying the cookies were smaller than he expected. Never mind that I stated up making them and even decorated the box I put them in. I have to admit that I was a little disappointedat his reaction to my efforts.

That kind of joking set off a whole string of self-deprecating and cruel humor. At one point Smitten was looking at his FB page and I saw my friend request- he still had not approved my friend request since April. So I said, "Why haven't you approved me as a friend? Why don't you want to be my friend?"

At which point Smitten said, "Why do you talk like that? You could simply ask me to be your friend... You are a wonderful person so why do you act like that...it sucks me in and it's....annoying."

I froze in embarrassment- I realized I had totally been whining, yes, but also it was tricky because he had HELPED create that dynamic with his cruel style of joking... still, what I felt was an intense experience of SHAME. Kind of like my needy, wanting-approval self was exposed. I was mortified.

Soon after that I left. Smitten says he may be here when I get back, and "maybe then I'll be ready." ready for what, I asked innocently. I had a feeling that he was trying to hook me into talking about the kissing thing, but I refused to be hooked. Smitten was supportive about me seeing Alphie at the training (I mentioned I was nervous about seeing an ex-boyfriend). I know he was being sweet but I was still in my state of mortification. That state says I am a horrible human being and unloveable and I have fucked up beyond repair...

Such is the nature of shame.

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