Dear Diary,

Well I have a lot to catch up on...

FRIDAY- Called Smitten in the morning, and he said he could give me some acupuncture. So I went over to Jimmy's. Smitten practically threw me on the bed, and then we were cuddling. Jimmy left. Smitten and I were spooning, then he started to fondle me. Then he started kissing the back of my neck, my shoulders... it felt pretty nice. Of course as it heated up I started purring and making noise, we were kind of writhing around and rolling all over the bed with each other. I guess my eyes were closed and my face was close to his, and then I thought he was putting his wet finger into my mouth. I was a little confused, thinking, "Why is he putting his finger in my mouth?" Then I realized it was his tongue- holy crap, Smitten was kissing me.

Haha. We did that for quite a while, it was nice. He didn't taste like ice cream, but overall it was nice. He has an amazing touch that arouses me instantaneously.... wowee wow! I still feel that Smitten is shy, because sometimes he would close his eyes... I don't know... I feel like still waters run deep... something is going on with him.

After that, I rearranged my clothes and he gave me the needles. When he came to pull them out, my ear bled a little bit. He used a Q-tip to clean it, then tried to hand me the Q-tip and said, "Do you want this?"

"No," I answered. "Do you?"

"No," he said. "I don't know what your HIV status is."

"It's negative," I responded.

"So am I," he responded.

There was a way I thought that was cute, Smitten's responsibility. At least he is talking about it. Later he lay down next to me and asked when did I last get tested... I told him it was two years ago. He seemed kind of shocked, and said that was a long time ago. He said he'd been tested 2.5 months ago, and told me that I should get tested again, because one should get tested everytime they are exposed...

Well duh. I know that but in the moment I did not have the guts to say- that's how long it's been since I've been with someone... I felt like I clammed up.

But I did ask Smitten if he would like to spend some time together, maybe come over on Sunday. He said he might need to leave on Sunday for work.... so what about Saturday? He said that would be better. Okay, great. Even though I was feeling weird.

Then the situation was made a might worse, when Jimmy came back and Jimmy and Smitten started waxing esoteric about gorgeous women of another "type"- the same type that M liked so much. I really felt like I couldn't handle it and I just went blank. Out on the street, I once again felt all kinds of confusion and shame- shame about not having been in a relationship in so long, the fear of coming off as a prude, feeling like an idiot for looking irresponsible about testing, feeling ugly because I'm not that "type"- feeling like everything is repeating itself- those feelings of unworthiness and ugliness that sweep over me when I compare myself to other women...

Ugh. I had to walk it off and go to work, but it was still stuck in my head. So I sent Smitten an email:
"So, when you asked me about being tested this is what I should have told you: My partner and I got tested at the same time 2yrs ago, within appropriate time frames etc., both negative. I have not been with anyone since. For some reason I was feeling shy about telling you this (?)"

His response: "Didn't know you have a partner.... That adds a dimension. :-)"

What?! Man, this is why I hate text messaging and emails, and I was even responsible for this mess. So then I wrote back, "Oops sorry I don't think I was clear! that was my ex- we broke up a year and a half ago but I haven't been with anyone since him... However we were both tested mid relationship, negative. ... That's what I wanted you to know. I don't have a partner now."

Then I thought about it, noticing his smiley face at the end of his sentence- and wrote, "Wait are you teasing me?"

HIM: "??????"

So I thought it was done. And I thought he'd be coming over the next day. So I went to bed as early as possible. I woke up at 7:30am and began to clean the house- crazy, crazy.... I cleaned everything, including the shower curtain. I vacuumed and dusted and did dishes and organized and whatever. Then I prepared for work and took a shower and didn't even have time to eat anything! I was running. I sent Smitten an email as I was on my way out the door, telling him that I was working till 4pm and maybe after that I could pick him up and we could go to my house together.

After work, I checked my email and got his response: "I'm in [a town two hours away today]."

HUH?

This is the frustrating part with Smitten. What the fuck dude? Didn't we have that conversation where you said you'd like to come over to my house tomorrow? Did I really get up at 7:30 in the morning to clean my house because I thought you were coming over????

I was immediately so disgusted, I didn't even write back. I was just giving up. After work Bethany and I went out to dinner, a nice one- more than we usually pay, but what the hell, I was disgusted. I asked her if she wanted to go to Jerry's roommate's party. It was starting late, and I'd gotten up so early, but the whole day felt like it was going to pot. Besides, there was a good chance I would see Jerry at the party.

So Bethany and I went back to her place and took naps. Then we got ready and went to the party... we walked in and... no Jerry. Slightly disappointing for me... a young crowd, lots of alcohol, and bad music. Bethany and I went outside and found some chairs to sit on. I said to her, "I bet Jerry is in his room on FB, I'm gonna chat him and tell him to come out!" And I used my phone to look him up on FB... he was not online.

I checked my phone and noticed another message from Smitten: "just back from _____, tired. you? not knowing your partner I think it would be best to get a fresh HIV test to be safe... just incase their might be any risky behavior impending... :-) -Smitten"

Jesus Christ. This was a mess. Did he not get that I didn't have a partner? This fucked up communication was making me nuts. I tried to call him right away, but he didn't pick up the phone. I didn't bother leaving a message. I gave up and went back to Bethany.

Bethany and I started to chat with someone, and after awhile Jerry walked outside. I was so happy to see him, I waved and waved. His face lit up as soon as he saw me- "What are you doing here?! I just saw you online on FB, and thought, aww, she didn't come!"

For the next 4 hours or so I spent my time on Jerry's lap. We cuddled, as usual he kissed my fingers and hands. He asked if I would like some water and kissed my head as he got up to get it. His friend pulled up a chair and sat close to us. I introduced myself as Jerry's lap ornament, and waved Bethany over and said, "Jerry's friend needs a lap ornament!" Bethany came and sat on Jerry's friend (this is why Bethany puts up with me). Jerry asked if I would be offended if he smoked with his friend. In every way he was acting like my man... I said I would not be offended at all and the four of us hung out together all night. I leaned back on Jerry and we watched the clouds. He rubbed my back, my legs and my feet. At the end of the night he was telling me about a place to go dancing. It seemed that he was going to ask me to go with him, but it was suddenly as if he realized everyone was listening to him and he stopped in the middle and didn't ask me. So weird. What is it about these guys that only go part-way??

By the time Bethany and I left, it was 4:30 in the morning. We went back to her place and I slept there for the night. We had to get up at noon because Bethany had a potential roommate coming to look at the room. When I woke up, another message from Smitten. It seemed he finally read the email where I re-iterated that it was my EX-partner. He wrote: "oh, i'm confused. again." I simply wrote that this was not a conversation that was being benefitted by email, and that he should call me so we could be on the same page.

Bethany and I went to a late breakfast. While we were on our way Smitten called. I answered, and of course we had a terrible connection... he suggested that we talk later, but I could NOT handle this anymore. When something is not clear I feel like I have to fix it RIGHT AWAY or it just makes me crazy. And so, I said, it's fine. I reiterated my story, Smitten said he could hear what I was saying, but he didn't know my partner and... it seemed he still had doubts. He asked me if I understood, and I said I didn't, but if it was a big deal to him, I would simply get another test. It's not that big of a deal and it's always better to be safe than sorry... Smitten seemed surprised that I would do that for him.

I don't even know if I am going to sleep with Smitten- I usually can do all kinds of fooling around, but I draw the line at intercourse. Because as you know, once I sleep with someone I seem to lose my marbles. It makes it easier to fall in love. And make bad decisions. But tests are good ideas anyway. Smitten seems sensitive to a lot of things, and concerned about health, so okay. And at least he's responsible enough to (somehow) bring up the subject.

I did thank him for talking with me about it. Better this than the old "Alphie-style" of communication.

I saw him briefly today and, I can tell that we are both finding each other more and more attractive. He is so F-in' cute to me. I told him I would go see about the test tomorrow. Again he seemed surprised.

I don't really know what I'm doing.

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