Dear Diary,

Little by little I am completing all my Smitten-assigned tasks.

Yesterday did very little after I wrote that entry. I didn't feel well at all. Probably because I haven't gotten enough sleep in many days, and also because I haven't eaten breakfast in a few days either. No good on the adrenals.

Really I just felt exhausted, and fucked up. I lay in bed and prayed till I fell asleep, and I must have slept for three hours or so. If it was possible, I felt even worse upon waking, but I had to go to work. I took a short walk in the hopes of moving some energy around, rinsed off briefly in the shower, and was on my way.

Work was okay and went fairly quickly. When I got home I called Keith. I haven't really talked to him since the beginning of June. I guess I really have a reaction to people staying too long. I thought he would give me some flak about not talking in such a long time, but it was as if we just spoke yesterday. Huh. Shoulda known- Keith doesn't have much concept of time.

I also sent Smitten one more final draft of the project he asked me to do, and I tried to sleep. It was hard for me to fall asleep because then I started getting angry at Smitten about a stupid conversation we had before- one in which he did something I did not like, I asked him politely not to do it again, he did it again, I was upset and told him not to do that, and he accused me of being dramatic. ?! Right. A total dismissal of my boundary and feelings. This is a red flag and feels familiar in the sense of Alphie-type energy... It almost feels like regression for me. I mean, is this how Smitten deals with boundaries? If so, he is the one that creates the drama by doing something he was asked not to do and TRYING to make me angry. Y'know?

I don't know. Maybe it was an isolated incident, and maybe there's better ways to communicate about it. Such as saying, "Is there a way I can ask you to do something where you will know I am serious?" I mean really. Grow up dude.

Anyhow that kept me awake for a good long time.

I got up this morning and made breakfast, watered my plants, took a shower. Made it to the clinic in decent time and had blood and urine taken. Now they have the ability to give you an "express" HIV test and you can get results in a half hour, the other STD results don't come back for ten days or so. In any case even though I knew I was very low risk, having few partners and a testing history behind me, there is still nothing like waiting for the results of an HIV test to make you feel your own mortality. I was actually freaking out for a minute or two thinking, what if...by some chance, there was some mistake...somebody I was with having a false negative or something like that...something having been missed... Jeebus. What a number I can do on myself. For some reason after I peed in the cup (for chlamydia and syphilis tests) I felt much calmer and was ready to give blood. The end result was negative, of course, and I'm pretty sure the others will be too.

Still places like that are no fun. A lot of palpable tension and nothing to do but wait for your number to be called... So I'm glad to be out of there. I sent Smitten an email with my result, and a pic of the bandaid on my arm to prove I'd gotten the test. I just get the feeling that he doesn't trust very easily, like he got burned very badly... it's not my problem, I know, and that might be another reason not to go too deep. I'm still assessing the situation... If I am confused does that necessarily mean it's bad?

And I can't help but feel burdened by these requirements, even though I know they are for my own good and benefit us both. The project- I'm supposed to get paid for that. The tests- well it makes sense- if I met a guy who hadn't been tested in two years, I might ask for another test, it's a health responsibility. The Skype thing- which I have an appointment for tomorrow- he asked me to do
that because he wants to CALL me, which means he wants to COMMUNICATE, which is a good thing, right? But because I hate doing anything, and especially when requested by other people, I am crabby and resentful about it all. I may not be crabby after I've had a half dozen orgasms or he Skypes me with sweet nothings, but for now, I'm crabby.

[previous] [next]