Dear Diary,

I guess I'm still grieving over those lost dreams...

In a way it's been good here- I haven't really had to worry about spending any money, or work... I've just kind of been rolling with it. And, for some reason, I can sleep at night here. I fell asleep around 11:30 last night and slept for about 12 hours!

I think it's best considering all that's going on. I've been to Stacey's parents' house every day. It's strange to see family pictures, photos of smiling Andy. Really rough. Stacey says at night her mother cries while her father goes back to his office and reads details of Andy's accident report.

Today I spent the day with Stacey and her mom, and the kid. I had dinner at their house and Kelly stopped over too. She is still upset and hoping she can salvage her relationship, but it is kind of obvious that her bf is done, and wants no part of it. Stacey keeps saying, why would somebody want to be with somebody that obviously doesn't want them? But I can see it from Kelly's point of view...because she obviously has abandonment issues too, and she thinks that if she can do it right, and just be good and love him the right way, he will love her back... but that's never the way it works. It strikes me that people like us are used to relationships being hard work- the hard work of balancing and caretaking somebody else and selling out so somebody can be comfortable... but in the end we are not even respected or appreciated for that... it just makes it harder for our partners to relate to us, and nobody wins.

Even looking at myself now, I still feel that I have made all the same mistakes all over again with Smitten. I feel sad and disappointed that even though I've done all this work I'm still in the same rut. I don't even feel that I've been doing a good job really letting Smitten go like I said I would- I still catch myself fantasizing about him.

I haven't contacted him at all though, so I suppose that's worth a pat on the back.

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