Hi Diary,

Yesterday I slept in (after a night of insomnia), picked up some food (courtesy of my handsy friend who thinks I am beautiful, but of course he is married [and not my type]), went to a memorial dinner for Andy, where we actually didn't talk about Andy much because it makes his mother too upset.

The whole day was exhausting. No wonder I'm sleeping so much.

Today I got up at nine to pick up some things for this afternoon's service. I checked my email and there was a message from Smitten: "Hi. Hope you are well. It's been an incredibly sad intense grieving time for me. God, it's been rough. I pray you have been splashed with joy and are smiling wide! I look forward to being back there and having some more cookies."

I don't even know what to say with that one. Everything feels so convoluted... He just might be the most manipulative person I've ever met. He disappears and ignores me... But then when he comes back, he is sweet as pie and has an excuse...plus we don't have anything solid or committed, that makes it hard to ask for a change in behavior...and he's only approaching me by email... Gah. How do I say that when he doesn't return my calls I feel ignored and that makes me sad, without sounding like 1) I'm a nut who takes this 'casual' relationship way too seriously 2) I am over-emotional, 3)I'm trying to lock him into something serious prematurely... When really isn't this the stage when he should be excited to talk to me and get to know me??? I know his friend died but mine did too, and I told him that... I guess I am answering my own question.

Kelly called to see if I wanted to go to brunch with Stacey's parents but I said no. Stacey is one of my best friends in the world, but truthfully I've had enough of her parents this week. I was able to stay at my mom's and get a little work done. Then Kelly and Stacey came and picked me up, we went and got Beada, and off to another service. This one was just friends and tears and talking about Andy were allowed!

Home for dinner, then my mom and I decided to go to the movies at the last minute. Kelly and Stacey said to just keep ignoring Smitten. I feel yucky about the whole thing.

Love,
Duck

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