Dear Diary,

I don't even know where to begin. I have been feeling mighty depressed. For one, I didn't even feel like coming on this trip to see my friends or go to Serena's class. On the morning of the class I didn't want to go. That is rare.

Even Serena noticed and asked me what was going on with me. I told her I felt challenged by life in general. Not to mention that many things just don't seem to be working out. I have taken a lot of wrong turns in the past few days and finally I am just surrendering to the fact that things are a bit fucked up for me these days.

Stacey does not appear to be doing well at all. She may have just reached her limit as far as living with an alcoholic man she never loved. She's looking at apartments and not even bothering to erase the history from the family computer. I don't know how her husband couldn't notice. But I think after losing her brother Stacey has realized that life is short and a marriage of convenience is not the way to live. She is getting some money from his estate so that may enable her to get out and have a place of her own.

There is some interesting news, for instance Gia, Thomas's girlfriend, told me that she found out Shelley has a crush on me too- that is kind of sweet. Also I had a very interesting connection with a guy named Shelby. Really, their names are that close together! Kinda kooky.

And. It finally hit me yesterday how much work I have been doing and the reality is that unless M had some kind of epiphany, chances are indeed very rare that he will catch up with me- that he will pull himself out of his self-loathing long enough to do the work that really needs to be done in order for him to be functional in relationship. I know Red used to say this to me all the time and I used to get so mad at him. Ok there is a chance that he could have grown but that chance is so incredibly small. I used to believe that about M because I wanted to believe the best in him, I fell in love with his potential. But knowing him, he was resistant to surrendering to the total breakdown that true transformation demands. For instance he resisted going to therapy because it would mean something was "wrong" with him. Well something is wrong when you stay up late watching porn with women who look like your ex-wife getting fucked and imagining your ex being exposed to violence... yes you have some feelings there that should be explored.

But instead I was compassionate and loving and clucked my tongue and said, I understand honey how you are having a hard time. I never demanded to be the number one woman because I feared if I did he would leave. So I set no precedent for myself other than being compassionate and loving but I did not demand that he show up like a man in partnership.

More later.

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