Dear Diary,

I am on my way to see my parents. Turns out, too, that my brother Kevin is heading that way also tomorrow afternoon. So I will get to see him!

I realized a little something: I have not heard from my friend X in a very long time. If you remember she and I have been mad pen pals since 1999 or so. Now last year being what it was- the Deep Dark Crisis of 2008, where every day was a struggle to be alive- I was a terrible pen pal. I was just so incredibly depressed and overwhelmed, I just stopped writing. X and I exchanged a couple of emails, I apologized for being so lame, and she said no problem, she knew I'd bounce back when the time was right.

So I remember writing her a long letter back in February, and now that I think about it I don't think she ever wrote back. And I called and left a message for her on her birthday, but that is always iffy to leave a message on her machine because her husband erases them before she listens to them. But actually she doesn't even like celebrating her birthday at all and for years I didn't even know what day it was. And then I recall that she never acknowledged my birthday either and that in itself is very rare because she was always ALL about the card and the gift, right on time. I wrote her an email, left two phone messages on her office voicemail with no response. And left another one this morning that I was going to be in town... but damned if I feel like that woman is ignoring me. Perhaps I pissed her off somehow; but I can't for the life of me figure out how I've done that, unless she got sick of my depressive self-indulgence... but we were always a sounding board for each other, so I dunno. I'm kind of worried but not completely panicked, and more exhausted than anything else, because as I mentioned in my last post, I tend to overworry about everyone hating me and abandoning me, and maybe I am just burnt out on it. I guess I'll just write her a letter, and say that if there's anything I've done to offend her I'd like to know so that I can apologize (or not)... and that's really all I can do, right?

Perhaps things are just shifting in life, like they do, and the revolving door of karma turns and some people go out and some new ones come in...

Because I did something very brave. I have been more and more aware that I have to clean up my life, purge my house, change my physical space if I want my mental and emotional state to change. And I knew I couldn't find that card to send to M, so I went back to the same store to find another one. You see, I am such a nut about this card thing because the one that I found seemed very symbolic to me, and I guess I'm a person that's really into symbols. But wouldn't you know, they hardly even had ANY cards in the store at all. One of the workers there told me that they don't sell so well so they really don't carry them anymore. So I left not knowing what to do, figuring I would just have to look harder at home. After all it's really not like I live in a palace or something where things can get lost!

Then the other night I was thinking about it, and I had an inkling of where such a thing might be- you see every now and then over the past two years I would take any M-related material and stuff it away somewhere new, thusly hiding it from myself. And I checked in one certain cupboard and there it was. And I thought for a moment and just started writing... Now I didn't quite use the phrase "I hope you are well" because, technically, that would be a lie. So I said something like, "sending you good wishes and I hope your life is full." Which is still stretching it a bit because truly I most often wish that M is as miserable, if not miserabler (I know that's not a word but I just made it up!) than I am. I then asked if he would please send my things to my parents' house, and I would mail his things back to him.

That was that. Simple, no small talk. Mostly my life seems so small and uninteresting, with so much self-reflection and pain, that it's embarrassing. And, I really don't want to hear about his new relationships or adventures, because I have a feeling that could be painful for me.

Or maybe not. Maybe I'm stronger than I think I am. After sealing the envelope and putting the stamp on, I was a little freaked out. I actually called Thomas cause I felt that he is a comforting presence in my life....but I got his voicemail. But I didn't feel QUITE as freaked out or as shattered as I expected too- kinda like that time when Swing rejected me and I remained surprisingly intact. So maybe, I have built myself up from the inside out, and I will actually be okay. Perhaps the fear of shattering is actually greater than the chances of it happening again.

?

Quite possible.

So being the geek that I am, I am very excited about some books that should be arrivng in the mail this week! This summer Delia sent me a coupon for Amazon, and I finally got around to using it.

I'm soo looking forward to my time off and hopefully catching up on sleep (much needed). I have completely lost my ability to fall asleep once again, even if I take those wonderful supplements that Keith sent (they worked for about two weeks, then stopped). For the last 3-4 days I've only been able to fall asleep at about 6am. Yet at bedtime I feel completely EXHAUSTED. It is difficult to explain to people who do not have sleep problems, exactly what it's like to be so so tired and still not be able to sleep. And that it seems like I can't get enough, and the sleep I do get is only just enough to get me through another day, but I am at a constant level of exhaustion that is pretty incredible when you think about it.

Oh well... here's hoping....

Love,
Duck

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