Dear Diary,

More cooking with Mom today... and a little bit of embarrassment. I kind of lost it. My mother asked me to help her with some things. But part of me notices that my mother, probably unconsciously, provokes people to be annoyed with her, and then she gets to be "poor me".

So... she asked me to pour the egg yolks into the thing she was mixing. I pick it up to pour it in and she snaps, "you have to mix it first, it's been sitting there!" So I get a spoon and irritated, she says, "Not like that!" Ok... I am quizzical, she says, "Use a fork!" So then I'm stirring with a fork, and again, it's "Not like that!!" And finally I just give up, do it yourself! I mean it's one thing to ask somebody to help you, but then to be annoyed at all their choices and techniques, without giving them clear direction, it's just annoying! And my irritation/anger showed and then I just felt unmasked and embarrassed. I guess because I was always humiliated when angry... but it just built up to the point where I couldn't take it anymore... every decision I made- why did you use that knife? Don't open it like that! Blah blah blah...!

After that I left the house because I just felt like I wanted to get some air... I walked to the neighbor's and held her baby who's only a couple weeks old... a nice, sweet feeling... then I came home, more cooking, family stuff, my aunt came over, we went to the grocery store together... blah blah blah. She's actually my coolest aunt and I could tell her about Shelby but never really got the chance.

Part of me wants to fantasize about Shelby but another part of me knows there's nothing to fantasize about. I feel like I have this awareness of all my attention wanting to go "over there" and from all my recent work and experience I know that is not good. It's very hard to keep all my attention "over here" on me. So I'm wondering what to do about that. I am also conscious of an incredible amount of fear I have about getting close and things getting fucked up and "losing" not so much Shelby's affection but also his friendship. I guess I can talk to him about it, since we are making an effort to be so honest and everything.

The sleep thing still doesn't seem to be happening, but I'm gonna try. One more day here then I'll be leaving on Friday... I have some work lined up, that's all good, then I'm off to hang out with Gia and some other women for the weekend- our "chick weekend!" and Serena's class, and an overnight with Shelby. The bad news, excuse my TMI... is that my period seems to be lasting longer than ever... no lie, it's like it takes two weeks for me to be completely done... but I'm also suspecting that I'm ovulating directly after my first 5-8 days... AND now my breasts are already sore so how did I get on this neverending cycle of PMS and bleeding? Ugh. I have a man in my life now, and I am all for the mystery and the power of the feminine, but damn, I need a little break so I can have some fun, you know?

Well, onward.

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