Dear Diary,

A very long, big day of work today but I feel like I did really well, the day went fast and there is the satisfaction of a weekend of hard work. Fortunately also I have made a ton of appointments this week too- I don't know why, but at a time of year that I expected to be slow, all of a sudden I am very much needed!

That's nice overall, because of finances and stuff. The other day I looked at my credit card statement and started having a dizzy spell. I think I just got so stressed out because it seems that no matter how hard I try, my numbers just don't seem to go down! Now I see why credit is so crazy, and it so easily gets out of hand. I really have to work hard to make a difference, and it's been really difficult.

I have noticed though, that since I made the intention to get into financial integrity with everybody... it seems like I am making more money. I still owe Ben's company a significant amount of money (over $300), but they are so sloppy there that actually, they do not keep good records and if I wanted to I could just "let things slide." But I made the commitment- it just felt yucky- that somehow I would get this money together, even if it meant putting a little aside every month, and just pay it off even if they had no concept of it... because, well, I dunno, I was feeling guilty. I owed everybody money- and just recently paid off Ginny, and my ex-therapist... and, well, it feels pretty good. So maybe there is some energy around money that can mess you up pretty good if you let it slide or you try to hard to be sneaky. It feels like if I continue to believe I am poor, then that's exactly what I'll be, and if I act in a sneaky way like I have to steal, then I continually have to do it... but as soon as I try to do right, the Universe helps me out some way. Just something interesting to notice.

So, doing well in that respect. I practically have my rent for January already. And I am pre-paid on several of my bills. I am just trying to be pro-active and get ahead. Putting more money on my credit card soon!

Bethany's oldest cat got very sick and had to be put down... what a bummer. Nia is still in the hospital, I talked to her a couple days ago and she is still in good spirits, and said she kind of likes being there because she gets alone time. She sure won't have much of that once the baby comes!

I'm getting excited because Shelby is supposed to call me soon- if he remembers... he said we would talk in about a week's time. But I know that he is not so great with keeping his word about stuff like that. Last time he told me he'd email me the next day, but then he went to see his wife for two weeks and forgot (I know, it sounds bizarre to say that- my life is weird!). But I did tell him that I noticed that and I don't really like when he doesn't keep his word... and he said it was good that I would call him on something like that, so I am just going to see how he does and if he doesn't do what he said he would, I will remind him and tell him I would really appreciate if he would work harder at it. I figure at the very least, it's good practice at communicating with men!!

Doing okay with being in the moment. Mostly when I think of Shelby, I think of all the fun things we can do and the games we can play... so not too much crazy fantasy or anything. It's also very beneficial that he is not living in the same town (or even state) that I am, because it forces me to be in my own life. I have to figure my things out here, be in my work and entertain myself, etc, and that's all very good. I have my moments of just wanting to daydream about him, but then I remind myself that I have so much to do here, I have to do those things and next month I will get my treat, a few days here and there with him. In the meantime I have my own goals, of developing my work, getting in financial integrity, taking a dance class or two, meeting friends for lunch or dinner, and just trying to love myself.

Marva has created a product and I've been taking it to my locations and selling for her. I never thought I'd be much of a salesperson but as it turns out, I am really good at it! And making both of us money. Not too shabby!

And I realized as I was tallying up all my accounts and getting things in order, that I might be happy. It feels scary to say it, and it's been SO LONG since I might even say something like that. I can't be sure. I thought I was happy when I met M- in a way I was, deliriously happy, convinced I found great love... I was happy, yes, but it was different than this. I don't know what happened, maybe I am... more stable somehow? Or actually happier inside, rather than having a "thing" that makes me happy. I don't really know how to explain it. Maybe I could say that I'm just feeling better, but it is foreign territory, because those were a couple of really hard years.

Every few days I remember that I sent the box and card to M, and I haven't heard a peep. I actually requested that he send my stuff to my parents' house, one, because there is some stuff he would send back that I want to put in storage, and two, that way I don't have to deal with it right away- I guess I will have some advance notice, because my dad will call me and tell me a box came. It won't be like being at home, and a box coming... or appearing in my driveway... remember that one with Frank several years ago? Good grief. Maybe I'm a complete dork for trying to protect myself like that, but hey, I am doing the absolute best I can.

Emily is in town, she is not quite feeling well and now her boyfriend, Mr. G, is apparently not talking to her and she is afraid they are breaking up. She says he seems to be "mad at her" because she is "having a hard time." Well. Again I have never met Mr. G, and I don't like him. Emily just took a leave of absence of work due to serious health issues, including anxiety, depression, and a parasite. She is moving out of her apartment, and moving to another country where her boyfriend lives to be with him. Her father is in the hospital, having just had heart surgery. She can't go see him because there is political unrest in her home country, so she misses her parents. Uh, yeah, I would say she is having a hard time, and Mr. G is being a dick... he keeps saying things are no big deal, but she's doing all the changing (job, home, health, family) while he's going to be in the same house, country, job etc and from her side of the story he seems to think her feelings are unfounded or irrational.

Dick, yes?

I saw Emily the other day at dance class and she said she wasn't feeling well and left before the class even started. I have a suspicion that it was more worry than anything else, over Mr. G. If anything I get angry at her for putting so much energy into a guy that doesn't seem worthy of her. I know that doesn't make any sense since you can't be mad at someone for having no self-esteem, I mean look at me and all my relationship mistakes. But perhaps I am just seeing a little bit of myself in her.

At any rate, there is more to write, but I need to go to work in the morning so I have to get to sleep!!

Love,
Duck

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