Dear Diary,

I lived through my party, actually my mood did improve (thank God). I don't know why I was feeling so angry and grumpy.

I cleaned the whole house and most of that consisted of hiding a lot of junk. B arrived early and he even brought toilet paper upon my request, since I forgot to get some at the store. We talked for a good half hour before John arrived, and Bethany and Howard were about an hour late.

Two of the reasons I even initiated this party were Marva and Steffy. One night a few weeks ago we were all out to dinner, and someone brought up the topic of New Year's Eve. There seemed to be a question of what to do, and I said well maybe we could do something quiet and sane at my house. Marva and Steffy immediately said they were in.

So where were they? After thanksgiving Marva bought a ticket to go hang out with some new friends she met at some conference... for over 10 days. I don't really understand how a person who is always bemoaning the fact that she has no money, and doesn't ever seem to work, keeps buying plane trips for 2 weeks at a time. Marva claims she is "living off credit cards" but still, you have to pay the credit cards eventually or they cut you off... don't they? At any rate that left out Marva. And for the longest time I did not hear from Steffy, she kept saying she had to check in with her cousins and see what they wanted to do. She texted me about an hour before the party was set to begin and said she wasn't coming. Thanks girls!

By the time we finished dinner it was well after ten o'clock, then we cleaned up a bit and popped in a movie at 11pm. I set my phone alarm to go off at twenty to twelve, so when that went off we all put on our coats and went outside, walked down to the park and said happy new year outside. That part was really nice, to ring in the new year outside, rather than being stuck in a drunken party indoors.

After that we walked around a bit and came back inside. B left because he was driving home and didn't want to be too tired. I cleaned a little more and watched the rest of the movie. That was a bit after two, and I started putting my house back together. It seemed like Bethany, John and Howard didn't really want to leave, so they hung out for another 40 minutes or so.

John has the longest commute by far and he took the bus. I thought briefly about offering him a spot on my couch, but then thought against it. Really I just want some time to myself. I just spent 8 days with my parents, and I'd only been home one night. I do not really want the experience of waking up with someone else in the house and having to worry about getting them fed, cleaned, etc. Is that awful? Really, if I do not get enough time to myself I go a little crazy. Maybe that's why I've been feeling so angry. In any case, John also has a car and I don't know why he didn't drive himself over, especially since he knew he was going to be out so late. If it were me I would have driven, or made plans to sleep over at someone else's (by asking first), or brought money for a cab.

In any case, I can't take care of every little detail for everybody, so I have to stop worrying about it. I realize the men around me act more like children than men. I am always caretaking them and it's getting old for me. Howard spilled a bunch of stuff on the table and our conversation went like this, about 15 minutes later:

ME: Howard, did you spill all this rice on the table?

HOWARD: Oh yes, I did.

ME: Can you get a sponge and wipe it up, please?

HOWARD: Okay. (Gets sponge.) Do you have a thing I can sweep the crumbs into?

ME: How about your hand?

HOWARD: Oh. Okay.

(Another 15 minutes go by).

ME: Howard, did you leave this bowl of rice ON THE FLOOR?

HOWARD: Yes I put it there when I was wiping the table.

ME: Can you pick it up and put it back on the table, please?

HOWARD: Okay.

Howard is thirty. Either he totally lacks common sense, is a complete space case, or unconsciously leaves tasks unfinished so he will have some sort of constant connection with the person who needs to continually ask him to pick up after himself. Bethany just lived with him for three months, and I don't know how she accomplished that without wringing his neck. Apparently that sort of exchange went on daily, with cleaning, dishes, etc. I would have snapped!

So let's see. I don't really know what to say about my year in review. When I think about it, it was not the easiest year at all, but I guess it was somewhat easier than 2008.

So 2009 was the year of visiting Michael and Petra, and �spa weekend� with Petra- which put me in the red another $1000 or more. Don�t really know what I was thinking with that one- I guess I was just celebrating surviving 2008! I also visited Keith for a few days and that actually was a very lovely time.

It was also the year of firmly detaching from Elliot and making him into a friend rather than a potential lover. A year of various bad dates: Swing, and Luke. And the year of Wondering What The Fuck Is Going On With Smitten? game. It was the year of endless, fruitless flirtation with Jerry. It was the year of still sorting through feelings about M. Of finally being ready to write him a card, and packing up his stuff and mailing it back. It was the year of meeting Shelby and him approaching me and asking me to do this fantastic thing with him.

It was a year of saying goodbye to Red, and to Ginny, who both moved out of town. It all turned out to be okay because I probably talk to them just as much on the phone. It was the year Keith came to stay for 18 days and made me a little crazy. It was the year of the sweet summer with Bethany, where neither one of us had any money and she had no roommate so I�d sleep over all the time. It was the year we lost our Andy, Stacey�s beloved brother.

It was a year of personal growth for me, and maybe professional growth too. I'm not sure quite HOW I've changed, but I know shifts have been happening, as evidenced just by the different experiences I'm now having in my life.

So Happy New Year, Diary. Let's see what happens in 2010.

Love,
Duck

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