Dear Diary,

So, here I am. Yesterday was a full day- helped Nia around the house a bit, tried to be useful. Did one of my first big presentations out of town, not too bad, a couple of mistakes. Then I went to spend the night with Shelby.

It was a bit skewed maybe because we started so late. By the time I got to his place it was almost 10:30, and he gave me a snack and we had to have a long talk about our agreements, and then we played a game where we talked about how we might want to fool around, and then we actually got to the fooling around part...

Which was okay but I had to tell Shelby that um, my period seems to kind of last two weeks so there might be the tiniest bit of "something" there... and that kept me from getting a full-on treatment, if you know what I mean. And since this is a diary and everything, whatever? right. I needed lube and he didn't have any. I mean, maybe my body is changing or something, or it has something to do with my cycle, or I am just resistant to being with him for some reason, because uh, I was having some trouble. And he was trying to pleasure me with his hand, but having difficulty. And since he was resistant to fully going for it, it was hard to get me aroused enough.

Weird, indeed. I don't recall really ever having this problem with anyone, but then again, I was kind of convinced I was in love with those other people, or there was at least a possibility of something happening, so maybe that helped. With Shelby things are good in the way of communication and everything, but I do feel that he lacks finesse as a lover. Sometimes he is right on the mark and other times he bumbles along, or goes way too fast and I almost feel like he forgets I am there. Really I know it is difficult for men at times and so, I just shake my head and say, okay, I've got to teach this boy how to slow down and please me. But I can't even do THAT until I freakin' stop bleeding. Jesus.

So, I'm not going to say it was bad, but the physical part isn't stellar for me. Let's say that Shelby had the lion's share of fun last night. Which is okay, but I'm hoping that I can relax, that he buys some lube, and that I might be able to have a good time in that way...

Overall, though, I do have a good time with him. I feel that he genuinely likes me, that we can talk to each other and we make each other laugh. I feel like he listens to me, and is a good person. And I feel like he admires me in a lot more ways than just my body. But he does love my body, and he tells me so often. I know most of this doesn't make any sense to most people, but even though Shelby approached me about doing something physical, it is as if we are together to learn a lot more than just the physical things.

For instance, this morning in the shower I was kind of taking the piss out of him, with an old joke about how he was late last time... and when I came out of the bathroom he was sitting on the bed and told me, "Come here." I sat with him and he told me that it hurt his feelings, because he always tried to do his best and felt like he had a good heart, and he had tried to offer apologies for being late. So I said I would stop, and we came to an agreement, but in that moment Shelby showed so much vulnerability to me (and he often does) that it's shocking. I am not used to it. I mean, M was vulnerable, but he was also so self-critical that there was no rectifying the situation. Alphie was never, ever vulnerable if he could help it. Frank wasn't truly vulnerable- mostly he was critical and would turn it on me, but also he was so self-pitying that it was ridiculous.

In any case, Shelby is definitely a different kind of man. It is odd and intriguing, because I am curious about why the Universe has brought us together, exactly. To me, it doesn't really seem to be about the sex, and even after our conversation this morning, Shelby commented that we are learning all kinds of things from each other, aren't we. I agreed.

Most of all, I guess I just have to let go of my expectations. They are what get in my way most of all.

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