Dear Diary,

So, have had a few trials and tribulations in the past couple of days.

For one thing, Shelby didn't call me on Thursday like I thought he would. I was deeply disappointed, and couldn't really understand why. I know he can have a tendency to be flaky. And sadly, that's really what I was looking forward to for Thursday! With not so much to do here, I am looking forward to these little moments.

So. On Friday I waited until 10:30am, and then I called and left a message for Shelby, "Hey, I think we're getting together tonight, but I'm not sure about anything since I haven't heard from you. Can you give me a call?" He called me about noon, with a vague, "Sorry I didn't call you yesterday, I was busy with blah blah blah." Really? I couldn't help it, I was chilly with him. I simply said, "Well, I see you later tonight, I can be there at 5:30." To which he replied that he had a date to call his wife at 4pm, and that it would be better if I came at 7pm. Okay, I said, see you later. "Are you okay?" he asked me, and I said, I just have to go.

So, classic Duck Is Mad But She Stews And Doesn't Tell Anyone. God. I felt bad but I was so deep in my own shit... I figured I would just need to work it out with Shelby when I saw him- I would tell him the truth.

A few hours later, Shelby called back again. I knew intuitively that he knew I was pissed; how could he not? In any case, I answered and asked him what was up. He had called to tell me that he was feeling rather stressed, and having some anxiety, and he was concerned because he wasn't even feeling excited about me coming... and he wanted me to know that he was having all these feelings. In that moment I realized that it is absolutely my responsibility to take care of myself, because now I was going to end up taking care of Shelby because he felt "bad"? Plus I knew that I had probably contributed to it anyway. So I got brave and said, "I was really irritated that you didn't call me yesterday."

HIM: "Was I supposed to call you yesterday?"

ME: "Well, I know we didn't have a clear verbal agreement, but everything you said, like 'we'll talk about it on Thursday' led me to believe that you were somehow going to make that happen."

Hmm. Once I told the truth about my irritation, I felt better. And that seemed to somehow make him feel less anxious. So, good for both of us, I suppose.

When I got there he was sitting in the dark, with candles, maybe meditating. Perhaps he was expecting that I was still irritable. He came over to give me a hug and I just let him hold me. When I was tense with M, he would get all solid and hold me until I got soft. That's what I wanted Shelby to do, and I told him. He did- held me standing up awhile, then we lay down and he continued to hold me. He wordlessly rubbed my shoulders and my spine, and then held my heart and gently rocked me until I could feel all the muscles around my ribcage loosening. I cried a little because mostly I just felt sheer exhaustion at trying to hold it all together, and at being misunderstood. I mean what WAS it supposed to mean when a guy gives every verbal indication that he is going to speak to you on Thursday, but then acts like he doesn't know what you are talking about? Finally he moved up to my neck and released the tension there too.

By that time I was definitely feeling better and I crawled up on top of him. We started kissing, more and more passionately. I could feel him getting hard, which was exciting to me... and next thing you know, he was naked, I was donning nothing but panties and giving him a specialty blowjob. Yes, I have specialty blowjobs, what of it? ;)

That was all fine and good, we took a quick shower and went outside to look at the moon. It was sweet and relaxing to just hang out, with Shelby rubbing my body. On the way outside we passed a room I hadn't noticed before, with another bed in it... I asked, "Who sleeps here?" and he said, "Me." He told me that was actually his bedroom, and he slept there because he didn't want to keep unfolding and refolding the futon bed again and again (the futon is where we sleep and play when I am there). This put a small seed of... something... when he told me that. I don't know why, but I felt slightly disturbed that Shelby slept in a different place than where we made love.

While outside I brought up the subject of us working together, but Shelby told me that he has to talk about that with his wife some more... basically he told me that she was feeling a little bit threatened, not due to the sexual stuff between us, but instead because she wants to work with Shelby at some point, and she was feeling threatened by my experience.

As we were coming back inside, I asked Shelby if I could lie in his real bed. He said, "No... that's my wife and I's bed... but thank you for asking first." I said okay and we went and lay down on our futon bed. We were talking about having something to eat, but Shelby really didn't have much. Also I started to feel really, really bad. I didn't know why but I was suddenly SO upset by the fact that Shelby and his wife kept their bed private from me (rationally, this makes no sense- I know that Shelby is not "the one" for me- there are ways that I'm not even really attracted to him... also I totally know he is married and I don't expect anything else to happen for us... she is mentioned often in terms of what the rules are, how she comes first and he has to take time to talk to her, see her, etc... and none of that ever bothers me).

I started to feel like I was really going down a hole, and because Shelby is so observant of course he could tell. He kept saying, here, come here, just let me hold you. He wanted to know what was going on, and he said it was totally okay. He came up with the theory that because he hadn't called me on Thursday and he had no food at his house for me, I was feeling "forgotten" and my abandonment issues had come up. I told him that was not it. He guessed that it was about the fact that he couldn't commit to working with me due to his wife's hesitation, and I felt bad. That was also not it at all. I knew exactly what it was, and that it had to do with that bed, but I was far too embarrassed to say so.

Instead I said, the feeling that was coming up for me felt like my mom and dad and that my mom wouldn't let me have my dad- she would get jealous and interrupt me having any dad time. I could rationally see how all this was connected- I just knew that in some really young part of myself, I wanted more of Shelby, and I felt like I had reached a barrier of yellow tape, where I was not allowed to go, and it was killing me. But instead of talking about the bed, I just told Shelby about my dad and my mom's jealousy. He encouraged me to talk about everything because he said I had held enough secrets, and he is a firm believer in saying things out loud, because then they have no power over you... so I just told the truth and he must have held me for over an hour. I kept saying I was hungry but he would say, no, you are staying right here. Eventually we fell asleep.

In the morning his alarm went off. We fooled around again... intensely... and, well, it was awesome in the moment, but now I am feeling bad about it because I know Shelby had a lot to do in the morning, and I kind of had a sense of that but I was feeling greedy in the morning, and I wanted more. It is ironic because I was so pissed on Thursday about him not calling- I felt like he was not respecting my time at all, and then I go and disrespect his time by initiating sex in the morning (I ask you- what man is going to resist a morning blowjob?) when he had a lot to do.

Underneath all of this I am watching the undercurrent of my own insecurity and I don't like it. I am extremely embarrassed about the bed thing and also I feel like shit about this morning. I have to come clean to Shelby about it... but he is working this weekend and I feel like I want to wait till he comes back... we have a date next weekend, which feels like forever away... but maybe the week will go by fast.

So right now I am babysitting, I am thinking right now that I don't want kids because I do not have the patience, and that television really sucks.

Love,
Duck

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