Dear Diary,

I haven't much to say but I figured I would say something here before time went on too long.

I left Nia and Lee's on Friday morning and headed over to see David from my class. He offered to treat me and since Smitten never followed up on his promise to help me, I've decided to get a practitioner that I will at least have the opportunity to see monthly, and has more than a passing interest in me.

So after a gentle 2 hour appointment, David diagnosed me with some severe vitamin deficiencies and I was off again on public transportation, my bag rattling with supplements.

Met up with Linny, one of Gia and Thomas's friends... went to her place and Gia and Thomas came over and we all had dinner. They and Shelly have all started a new training which is in another state and I cannot afford it and as they laughed and expressed all their excitement about starting this new program I couldn't help but fall into a hole, feeling all left out. I know it very much has to do with the same issue as what came up with Shelby about he and his wife's bed- not being included seems to be the theme these days. One whiff of that and I feel deeply saddened.

I did what I could to pull myself together before our study group, but it was obvious to everyone that I was upset... it got better later in the evening. Today was a full day of study and I feel like it's been more like a week!

What I've realized is that no matter what I do, I've got to get a better foundation first- physically, emotionally, and financially. There's no reason to go off half-cocked and enroll in more trainings just because my friends do, especially when I am still in debt bigtime and physically exhausted. I have to fill up my holes- get my energy up to a manageable level, my finances in order, build a foundation for myself before I attempt any new feats.

All I really want is for the feeling of desperation and fear of abandonment to stop. If I could just be full and feel okay and secure in myself, I feel like I could get somewhere worthwhile.

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