Back in my own house, my own bed, took a shower just now with my own soap and towels and...

What now?

Going to work tonight, good thing, because yesterday was not very productive on any level. I lay around a lot, watched some DVDs and other shows online... probably not good for my eyes or the rest of my body with all that radiation.

I guess what I need is BALANCE- with work, exercise, good food, sleep. I was feeling tired by about 11pm but even though I took sleeping meds, once I lie down my brain kicks into this kind of buzzy thing and I cannot sleep. I try not to get upset when I feel the buzzing, I take more meds and maybe read or something- it is useless to actually try to sleep until the buzz goes away, because then I just get more and more upset.

Maybe it is my house and I just can't sleep where I am living, or in this part of the country- I don't know if I moved, would it get better?

Also I'm back at home with my vibrator and hooray! But that doesn't help me sleep either, sadly. Just makes me a bit sore after awhile...

I found myself getting really annoyed everytime I looked at Shelby's email, annoyed at myself for always waiting for some guy, even if he is just practice. So I beat some pillows about that. I am determined to change. On top of it I just read this whole novel with a bit of romance in it about this woman who is stubborn and selfish and projects her feelings onto one guy, while another perfectly good man is in love with her, but she is too blind to see it because she is fantasizing about the first guy. It is so blatantly... ME that I can't stand it.

I'm not saying that M and I weren't in love, but I probably give him too much credit. I think I give every man too much credit, instead of really seeing them for what they are, and then I am disappointed and then I become enraged and I hate them and I cut them off. Oh yummy. What a delicious dynamic I create for myself again and again.

And that anger doesn't hurt anyone but me, so... I need to change. I am tired of being angry, I am tired of being the disposable girl, I am tired of not being... pursued by men.

Even on the plane, I was sitting close to a handsome young guy. I did the appropriate amount of flirting and joking, and we talked about where we lived. I suggested that maybe we split a cab, since we were landing so late and his place was on the way to mine. But each of us just watched movies or read for most of the flight, and at the end even though he was friendly and introduced himself, he did not offer to exchange numbers or split the cab- he said he really didn't have the money.

Okay. I figured I could have read his signals way earlier, but also there's no harm in trying. Also I know that SOMEONE is on his way... I've no idea who it is, but I feel like, I will eventually meet somebody with enough mettle to have some kind of relationship with. Perhaps when Shelby and I are done, or have at least managed to break through something significant, I don't know.

I suppose it is the same analogy for my whole life. I really don't have much foundation for anything. I want to run and jump and stretch and do amazing things, but my body does not have the physical strength to do so. I need to build up my vitamins and eat the right foods. I want to have a relationship, but I have so many holes in me that I can barely contain the love that someone gives me, much less make a good choice about picking someone who will not run away.

In any case, that's what I'm working on... and now I have to go make some money!!

Love,
Duck

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