#2

Dear Diary,

I spent most of the day here with phone calls, watching some shows and getting some work done online. Nothing amazing...

Early in the evening I did go over to the grocery store and bought chicken, fish, bacon, sausage, lettuce, tomatoes, potatoes, yams, pears, avocados and pasta. I even made a list beforehand and I was purposefully trying to think of nutritious foods, but I'm not quite sure I know what those are.

I came home and made some dinner. Spoke to Gia briefly regarding her coming to visit and us collaborating. That was that.

Also spoke to Bethany and Marva today, separately, and left a message for John, who was wondering if I was hosting a movie-watching night (which I had mentioned briefly to Marva, but, then changed my mind today when I woke up feeling lazy as usual). I have to say that I don't feel like I've really "missed" any of them- John, Howard, Bethany or Marva. Bethany is feeling really needy to me lately and all she did while I was away was whine about "how I left her all alone". It was a real drag and not something I even want to joke about, because on some level it feels less like a joke and more real- and I don't really need an adult woman pulling on me like that. The other night she announced that she was going away for a week to her conference, and that now it would be my turn to miss her. When I looked at her in confusion, she made some remark about getting me back for "abandoning her". Really. A joke, but not a joke.

John is always somewhat needy and at the same time almost too sweet- he gave me a box of chocolates for Valentine's day, which was really the only gift any man gave me, so part of me says I should be grateful. But at the same time I feel like he wants more from me, there is something draining to our exchange.

Marva is the least irritating to me but she is still mysterious as ever. She confessed to me today, on the phone, that she is actually "seeing" the couple that she went to visit over the holiday. I told her I suspected as much, which is true- she seemed shocked that I had guessed and asked me how I knew. Mostly it was intuition, maybe from Marva's behavior- there is a certain way she gets when she is working her charms on someone(s). I've seen it many times that she turns her seductive energy in somebody's direction and, there you go. But I didn't tell her that- I told her I suspected because she spent thanksgiving with them, and then went back for 10 more days at New Year's... and really, to spend that much time with people... it's kind of a giveaway.

I would hazard a guess that Marva might have the same abandonment wound as me- after all, she did get involved with Ben, who's been dating Marie for years. Bethany told me that she got the feeling from Marva, that Marva thought Ben would eventually leave Marie for her, turn over his business to Marie and Alphie and start a new business with Marva. Of course that didn't happen. Ben doesn't change or learn anything new, and he will probably stay with Marie doing the same thing until his drug use kills him.

So Marva is just doing another dance with another couple, more triangulation- I do hope that it works better for her than her tangle with Ben. After she broke up with Ben, she disappeared and didn't talk to any of us for many months. I know that tendency too, I was so ashamed after breaking up with M.

It looks like we might not be that different.

In any case it makes me look at who my friends are and perhaps we have all been too codependent upon each other. But I must be changing because it did not hurt me at all to leave for a month and actually I didn't miss anybody. I am constantly feeling like I am taking care of all of them, and that is my own fault. Yuck!

I spoke to Kelly today and she was cooking dinner and her ex bf was supposed to come over after work. I don't know what kind of breakup has the ex still coming over on Valentine's day, but I've got a feeling that maybe some things are happening there too that (once again) Kelly is not telling me about. Like maybe they are having sex again, or back in talks about the house. All I can say is that if Kelly is going to be that stupid there is nothing for me to do but let her be that stupid- let her dig her own hole and pay the price. If she ends up giving that house away to a man that doesn't love her, that is her decision to live with.

Some things I am grateful for on Valentine's Day:

1) I am grateful that I am no longer with my abusive ex-boyfriend Derek because I would be fat, miserable with three kids and stuck with an alcoholic manipulative asshole.

2) I am so thankful that I never got pregnant and ended up living with any of my exes because it would have been disaster for sure and my life could be much worse than just being alone for one holiday.

3) I am grateful that I am making my own way in the world and I've had a lot of adventures!

4) I am grateful that I can sleep in, buy what I want at the grocery store and that I have more than enough.

I'm thinking of trying my jeans on, but I'm kind of scared to do that. Wish me luck.

Love,
Duck

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