Dear Diary,

Would you believe I am still having dreams about Shana and Bruce? It is very odd. Those are the people I lived with for about a year, back in 1999. That's a long time ago! But I dreamed about them like it was present day. They had three kids, like they really do today, but the kids were off with someone else. I was eating a meal with them, and things were good enough, but there was an obvious reference to the things that happened long ago which broke us up. Which I guess we were trying not to talk about.

I was thinking of treating them to an expensive dinner, when I had to pause and remember that I never actually did anything wrong, so why was I going to take them out to an expensive dinner?

Hmm. I dunno.

Yesterday work was all right but less than satisfying. I felt really betrayed by a co-worker that said she was coming to the meeting and did not come. That left me sitting there with two clients and no third person, and there's just something about that that makes me feel ridiculous and uncomfortable. Times like these just make me question what I'm doing and...

And I don't know... I'm so fucking tired. I CANNOT fall asleep and it is painful. My brain is not working well, I am also feeling quite hormonal and like I'm getting my period already (already! I just had it two weeks ago!) It seems I'm now becoming one of those women who is either always having her period or feeling it coming on... I can't stand it! Maybe it's the pills I got from David, I am hoping actually that this is just some period of adjustment and things will be stabilized soon and go back to something more normal. Also, every day all I think about is if I could just SLEEP, if I could just get to a point where I feel rested, then I could figure everything out and it will be okay. But I cannot. I am exhausted!

I am trying to do better foodwise and I even bought more groceries on the way home last night. I figure if my fridge is full I will make better decisions... I hope.

And I finally got my mail yesterday. There is an odd dynamic that another women in the building occasionally gets pieces of my mail, and doesn't give them to me right away- it's annoying. Well I noticed that the mail hadn't come at all in two days and I was expecting things from Netflix, so I know something was supposed to be coming to me. Last night when I got home there was a pile with my two netflix... uh hello... I hate when she does that... holds onto stuff.

And last night I missed Shelby's call but it's okay because I felt so bizarre and hormonal and crazy and I could barely remember what I wanted to say, and the strange thing is that last night after he said he couldn't talk and we hung up after only a few words, I knew I was going to forget and the steam that drove me to call him in the first place and have a conversation was gone. So I don't know if I am playing games with him as well as myself. I think I have a lot of games and drama that I don't know about that tries to keep me from actually having intimacy with someone. It's good to know what they are.

So as for today I don't know... my prayer group is supposed to be meeting tonight but I'm exhausted and I don't know which is more beneficial, to stay in or to go out and socialize and feel that connection- I do not know. I am tired and feeling down on life.

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