Dear Diary,

Haven't been feeling well- swollen throat, exhaustion. Didn't go to dance class yesterday or do much of anything.

In the evening I came upon the resolution that I have been selling myself short. Understanding that I have "this abandonment problem"- I must hold back from crossing certain lines in sex and relationship, or else I am lost, ruined. So I have been holding on, saying I can only go this far with you, but no farther, nope not until I meet that one person and he's ready to commit and hopefully he won't leave...

Then I realized, what bullshit. Why am I limiting myself in such a way? If I could dream my life any way I wanted, I would not have my life this way at all. I would be having sexual intercourse with Shelby right now. Both literally and figuratively, right NOW. That boy would be on 24 hour fucking-me duty, I can assure you.

So I thought, rather than aiming low, and just doing what I've always done, which is to hope that one perfect piece comes to complete my puzzle and that will be the key to my satisfaction and safety... what if, instead, I expanded my dream to include the possibility that I could be so strong, so fulfilled, that I could actually have the option of having pleasurable sexual experiences with whomever I wanted, without the worry or fear of becoming over-attached, or completely decimated by lack of relationship? What if I could be so healthy that I could have those experiences from a place of skill and enjoyment, not from a place of weak and fragile childhood wounds?

I know just having the idea and making the decision is not enough to do it. There has to be the continuing work of filling emotional holes and building strength. And that requires more work and more prayer.

In any case I am done with being in physical pain, unhappy and unstable and letting others determine what I can and cannot have in relationship. I am ready for something different.

Today I went to Marva's for support and to get some bodywork, I think it helped a bit. She also invited me to stay for dinner, steak and vegetables, totally delicious.... with the yummiest piece of chocolate for dessert...

So I'm feeling like I at least have a goal, besides cleaning my house!

[previous] [next]