Dear Diary,

What a day, what a day. I did go to dance class today even though I felt like a turd- so exhausted... my throat isn't hurting much anymore but I just feel really tired.

Made the mistake of calling Russell before I got on the bus, so I was standing there talking to him forever... he sounds good, complained about his ex-wife, gave me some business tips, and bitched about Alphie (seems he gave Alphie LOTS of business tips but Alphie is too busy acting like a big shot to actually put any time into anything- he really just wants everyone to love him just because he exists, he doesn't really want to DO anything...). I didn't have much to say because, well, I haven't seen Alphie in about two years and I haven't talked to him much either. Back in the day Russell and I would have whole hour-long phone conversations where we would both bitch about Alphie, but I'm so glad I just don't have that anger and annoyance in my life anymore... it's because he's not in my life!!

Came home, bought a couple groceries and some tacos for dinner. My nose is running a bit, I am feeling run-down, so I just need to take it easy.

Also, I am aware of how much I miss and long for Shelby. It's not a good thing.

Yesterday night I called Shelby because- I don't know why. Partially because I am still trying to integrate everything from the weekend, but also partially because I am just lonely. When he called it was obvious he wanted to support me, but I could see where I was confused- I just said to myself, "He is not my boyfriend." There is a young part of me maybe that wants to believe in some kind of fairytale? That wants him to think of me and be able to lean on him a fair amount... but that is unrealistic. I want more than what I agreed to, and I just became conscious of it today. It's that young and hungry part of me.

But, there may have been some truth to the part of me that needs support and integration as well. Because it was helpful to talk to Shelby about my process. And as usual, he was very kind. He said it is understandable that I have trouble wrapping my mind around things, but it is a process and I should just do whatever I can. So I will.

And, I proposed an idea I have had for some time. I wanted to be careful because I can be a bit of an overgiver, but I asked Shelby what he thought about me giving his wife a gift. She is, after all, sharing him with me, and it's been of great benefit to me. And from what he said last time, I got the inkling that it might be time to show some of my gratitude.

Shelby thought this was a fabulous idea and got very excited and this kind of reinforced my idea that maybe his wife needs to know that I appreciate her. So I'm going to pick something out for her next time I see him, since I don't know her very well and am not familiar with her style, I'll let him give me his opinion as well.

In the meantime, I am longing for him. But it is the same longing that wears many faces- Frank, Alphie, M, Smitten- I've felt this way about them all at one point or another- I know now that it's not about love or anything real. It's about a deep need way down inside that has never been filled, and no human person can fill it. Well, maybe I can figure out a way, with some help.

[previous] [next]