#2

I was wrong about the sleep change. Maybe I just got into a certain groove over at Serena's, but I mess it up by staying up too late- because I was still up at 4am this morning.

Whichever. I suppose it doesn't really matter. What I do know is that I am tired of sneezing. And blowing my nose. And feeling like my head weighs fifty pounds.

And I have to go to work today, which I'm not really looking forward to. Truly the best thing for me to do would probably just be to lie in bed, but I don't think that's going to happen. A girl's gotta work.

Got an email from John this morning saying "I am aware that we trigger each other and that both of us have been reluctant to discus it. I would like to place at your door step that I am willing to discuss this with you."

Uh. Okay. But I think he should just speak for himself. What I am being triggered about is that he thinks he knows how I feel- claiming that he KNOWS that I am triggered by something about him and that I'm reluctant to discuss it? How does he know how I feel about anything? The only thing I can think of is that he wants me to be his mommy, and that just happens with a lot of people, so I tend not to hold it against him, after all Howard and Bethany are pretty much the same thing.

I can't fucking stand to be defined by people, that is for sure. Don't think you know me or how I think or feel. Especially when you are too fucked up to even be clear about reading other people. There are only a handful of people I would give credence to if they said something like that to me- really clear people like Serena, or Gia or Shelby- because those people have worked enough on their own stuff where their vision is not all clouded by their own stories. And even Gia is not always clear but she will say out loud that something is going on but she doesn't know what it is yet.

In any case, I will gladly have a conversation with John to clear the air, but I might just have to get over my annoyance at his presumptuous email first. I hate when people presume anything about me.

(So yes, I am triggered. About that.)

And I just made an appointment to work tomorrow, even though I thought it was going to be my day off. But I am devoted to getting my credit card paid down. It's been quite ridiculous... even though I saved up a bit and paid a huge chunk last month... I also had to buy 3 plane tickets and that just about canceled it out. It's like I'm always opening up that bill and looking at the same, huge number. Not to mention they raised the APR or whatever it is so I am paying over a hundred dollars a month in finance charges- it feels like a constant uphill battle that is slipping, slipping away from me. I am determined to figure it out, however. I just recently got a debit card for my checking account, and I've been using that for purchases at stores and travel facilities when I don't have enough cash- to avoid putting ANYTHING on my credit card. My goal is to keep everything off that card, unless it is the necessary flight tickets, or the monthly charge that is for my email newsletter service. And something I might need to buy online, like vitamins or books or something- it is my understanding that it's really not safe to use a debit card online or at some ATMs, is that true? I just read or heard that somewhere, that they make it easier to get your identity stolen or something. If anybody knows anything about that, I would appreciate some feedback. Also if I buy anything online with credit I want to be sure and pay back the money on the card right away before it builds up.

Tonight I'll be seeing the client who asked me to sleep with him, and I *guess* this will be our last interaction, to my understanding.... it is supposed to be over. Maybe he will bring up the desired rendezvous again, and I will just tell him that I am flattered but I don't do that. I. don't. do. that. (But man, I might be rich if I did).

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