#2

I was so tired last night, I just wrote that entry and wanted to lie down. So I'll be expanding on my meeting with Zeke (Ex) in this entry.

I think we're both still attracted to each other... he did remark that I looked good. Right away when he got in the car to go to dinner, he brought up Shelby, whom I had told him about... he's very curious and interested in who I'm messing around with. He had all kinds of ideas about what was going on there and I wonder if it was eating at him a bit. I'm not sure but Zeke seems to have a weird jealousy or possession about me. Once when we were seeing each other he basically told me that he wanted to be free to fool around with as many people as he wanted, but he wanted me to be faithful to him. I'm sure most guys think that way and have to give Zeke credit for actually saying that out loud.

During dinner we talked about dating and stuff like that, even though I'm not sure Zeke does what one considers 'dating'. He's seeing a woman that, ironically, lives pretty close to me, but although he says he'd like to find somebody to "meet halfway", he doesn't see himself ending up with her- she has pets which he can not stand, and describes her as a pack-rat. Zeke is pretty rigid and controlling and a bit of a neatnick. He did mention that where he lives is the perfect place for "heavy petting", so I guess like most guys he tries to hook up with as many women as possible, although he insists he is not good at picking up women and was enthralled with the stories I told him about men who ask me out on the bus. When we went to the adult toy store, he was asking me about condoms and are all of them as strong for protection against HIV... so I know he is pretty concerned about all that stuff, makes me wonder about his drug use and how safe he was with that.

We didn't really talk about our last encounter about 6 years ago, the one by phone where Zeke tried to convince me to move in with him, and that veiled threat to get rid of my current boyfriend at the time... sounds like Zeke went to rehab twice since then, so I don't know, maybe that was a very bad period. He did admit that it's not good for him to live by himself, so he does better living with his sister and her family.

When we were walking into the movie theater he did compliment what he has always called my "juicy ass" and swatted me a couple of times. When I dropped him off, we had a really long hug, faint peck on the lips and he did grab my ass... there is no way I could ever be with him but part of me still wants to play with him... I was kind of waiting for him to make a move but that was the extent of it right there... and I outright told him, "You can come to my house and heavy pet with me if you want..." and he said, "Tonight?" but I laughed and said no, I was staying with my parents and we really had nowhere to go, but next time he is in my neighborhood he should come by. He still didn't make any move to kiss me or incite anything, so I don't know how he feels about it.

I felt a bit weird driving away, like maybe my signals weren't too clear- but I'm pretty sure they were, now that I look back on it. Or maybe he just doesn't want to get involved with me on that level, who knows. Now this morning in the light of day it doesn't make any sense. Zeke might get some kind of weird possession about me- perhaps he is jealous of Shelby- and if we started anything again it could just end like it did the last time, and I'll see him in another 6 years. And in reality it where could it go? Fooling around, okay. But long-term relationship or depth- no. I would probably get pretty bored pretty fast. Zeke is an addict and has an addict mentality still. I am guessing he is not completely clean and may occasionally use, because he got a weird look on his face when I was describing Stacey's husband as an alcoholic because he drinks 1-2 bottles of wine a night- the look on Zeke's face was that drinking one bottle a night was not such a big deal. In any case he can be rigid and controlling and when intimacy starts happening he tends to blow fuses over little things that don't make any sense. I've seen it before. He will only always have trade jobs and that limits the places he can work, and he says as soon as his insurance kicks in he wants to get a vasectomy, so no kids... he doesn't really want to travel or open up his scope of personal growth, as much as I can figure... overall it doesn't make any sense, but somehow we resonate sexually and I have to stop thinking that if I have that with a person it automatically means I can have more with them too.

I don't know, maybe I'll see him again at some point in the future but I really don't know.

Yesterday I got up very early to put some finishing touched on my project and cook a dinner for my aunt who just came home from surgery. I also had to run to the store with my dad and then my mom and I went out and bought me new shoes about an hour before I had to leave. All my shoes hurt my feet, so I have to get rid of these old ones I've been wearing for years and years... I have a pair that were not even originally mine but Stacey gave them to me, and I must have worn those for 3 years or more... ridiculous.

Packed up and left, it was a good visit overall even though I never called ZZ or my cousin, whom I was supposed to see... but that's the problem having so much to do in such little time. Ride home was fine and I watched DVDs on my laptop. Toward the end I called Inez, because she has been calling me every now and then, and I felt like I owed her a call. I told myself though that I wasn't going to stay on the phone with her for an hour... which I have done many times in the past and I hate it... so we talked for a bit and got cut off because she drove through a tunnel, and I called her back on my connecting bus home, but then I said, okay I want to go, I have a lot of bags with me and I'm walking home... she said she wanted to talk more because she felt like we really didn't get a chance to talk about me, but that was also her own fault. For one, she just goes on and on and it almost turns into a monologue, I think she forgets the other person is there at all... then she did ask me about myself and I literally got one sentence out of my mouth about me before she took over with oh I thought about that too and I don't know if I'm going to do that or not etc etc so even if it starts out about me it turns into her (Gail can be like that too sometimes) but I don't care, I would rather just cut the conversation off that make it last longer and longer. I notice that Gia is not much of a phone person and she tends to cap off at about a half hour, then she says something like, "Well I feel like I'm done being on the phone," or something like that- I have to pay attention to how she does that, because I think half hour IS enough time to be on the phone with somebody you are not exceptionally close to- I think Inez is TRYING to get closer to me, but she doesn't really have the skills to make it about anybody but her, so it's not very interesting to me.

And the unfortunate thing is that now that Inez has also started studying with Serena, she is everywhere that I want to be- the study groups and seminars and workshops- ugh. I really don't want her in my face this summer. I want to do my work and have my experiences and not have her constant chatter in my ear. Gah!

I also spoke briefly with Bethany last night and I will be seeing her tonight at work... odd thing is that even though I told her I was tired and whatever, she said, oh my boyfriend's here! And then there is this silence and her boyfriend says, "Hello?" and I realize she's put me on the phone with him... wha? He's a nice guy but, I am tired and I don't really feel like talking to somebody I wasn't planning on talking to... what the fuck... I don't understand why people do that without asking if I want to speak to that person... upsetting. When she got back on the phone I told her don't like that and don't do it again. And aside from me she also confused the hell out of her boyfriend since he didn't know I was on the phone either and hadn't asked to talk to me.

Get with it people!

Today I have a fair amount of work to do but I am procrastinating.

[previous] [next]