#2

Dear Diary,

Work today- bleh. People are stressed and wanting to vent to me because as of yet I am neutral and don't belong to any sides. I don't really care about the individual or the work dramas because either way I have another job. I am just trying to get ahead and make an effort to leave it all behind when I walk out the door.

I was proud of myself though because last night when I went to the store I bought two prepared salads, so I don't have to order delivery at work. It can get pretty pricey with tip and all that. So today I had a great cobb salad and thinking maybe this job will help me eat better overall, at least three days a week.

In other news, Serena called me back today. I had phoned her a couple of days ago after I had my conversation with Shelby. When she called I just told her how I noticed the thing with Shelby feels familiar and how I always end up waiting for men. She told me I am always waiting but what about what I want? People often ask me that question but the answer always seems to be that I want to keep the connection. But Serena pointed out that Shelby's wife is coming home and things will never be the same, I am setting myself up for triangulation once again. I told her that Shelby had said he wants to continue, and she pointed that out as his wishful thinking- of course, she said, he wants his cake and to eat it too. But the fact is that marriage is a contract that only involves two people, and me being there, I will end up on the outside. She said a lot of stuff, the gist of it being that she felt it was time for me to end it, for real- instead of being in this waiting place, waiting waiting for some man to decide about me (you've seen me do that so many times, Diary).

Ugh. Part of me wants to connive and figure out a way to make it work, but another part knows that what she says is true. Will I be waiting all summer, while Shelby and his wife have another commitment ceremony, their bond growing stronger and pushing me further to the outside. That's just the truth of it.

Let's just say Serena said a lot of smart stuff that is so beyond my knowing in this realm that I had to write it down. That just shows me how bad I am at stuff like this.

So, it looks like the best thing for me to do will be to break it off with Shelby very clearly. Otherwise I will be hanging on and just wondering all the time, fantasizing and hoping...

When I think about it from his wife's position, sure she gave her permission but now she is moving in and that is her man. If I were her I certainly wouldn't be too concerned about my husband's lover. More like, "I have waited two years to have a home and family with this man, he's mine and it's all about ME now." I wouldn't blame her a bit, no I wouldn't.

I still don't feel super clear, but that's the gist of it. I definitely feel a deep grief and a fear about making a mistake, but most likely it's just over. I've only ever ended relationships when the became really abusive or intolerable on some level.

I'm scared, I have to go to work.

[previous] [next]