Dear Diary,

Came home today. Was pissed because the bus was late, so obnoxious... I had given myself about two hours to pack, finish some work on my computer, put together a lunch, etc... as it turns out I didn't have any time to say goodbye to the neighbors, which is my usual thing.

As soon as we pulled into town I went to work at the pt job... I don't know if my boss was irritated with me for working less than 20 hours or what. But it will have to be the same this week... in any case I came in and attacked the pile of stuff that was waiting for me. The business overall is doing a bit better, we are still behind on several bills but able to pay some too. It's kind of nice to have a bunch of stuff to do when I come in, it keeps me busy. Everybody else who had been there the whole day went home, and I stayed... I finished up paying the important bills, filing my papers, writing notes to myself, and going through my emails. I also watched True Blood. Yes. At work! I am required to be there 20 hours, it's not my fault if there's nothing to do!

Which might change anyway. Apparently I am to be trained on this other organizational system for the computer, the one that keeps track of all the inventory. I really didn't want to have to learn that system, but I guess I have no choice. I am also not really excited about the girl they chose to train me. She is nice enough... but she is one of those people who is so particular, and sometimes it feels like she OVEREXPLAINS things, if that makes sense... it's weird to say but sometimes I get really angry when people try to teach me something. Even if I want to learn it. It doesn't make any sense, all I can think is that at some point in my life my parents didn't know how to give me enough space. Gah.

Oh I guess it's all because THE SHOES will be getting fired very soon. The owner of the company told me this last week, I wish he hadn't. That is because The Shoes is always worried she is in trouble- she doesn't work very hard in general, then she realizes she might get in trouble so she busts her ass to make the very minimum of what we need in sales. Then once she hits her quota, she totally relaxes and gets lazy. The one bad thing about this is she is not actually hitting the company's quota- once she knows she has made enough to cover payroll, basically, she feels safe and stops working. Meanwhile we are in debt to our vendors up to our eyeballs, and falling behind every single week of every single month. No matter how many times it's been explained to her, she just can't see the big picture. That's why she's getting fired.

Anyway, sometimes when she's in one of those frantic states when she's afraid and trying to make payroll, she will ask me what the owner said and if she's in trouble and is she going to get fired. Which is why I wish the owner didn't say anything to me because I am a terrible liar. I could probably say I don't know, but when I lie I feel like I'm made of waxed paper and people can see right through me. So I hope she doesn't ask me...

In any case I guess my work load will be upped because she will be gone and they will hire two people to do her job. Bleh. I might actually be busier!

On the way home I made some calls (I ignore phone calls when I go visit my parents). I had two business calls, left Keith and Nia messages, and talked to Pandora. She had a dream where she got the message that she "messed things up" between us, so I had to calm her fears about that! We talked for a long time actually and I told her about my seminar and my trip to visit family. It is weird, I know she wants to have some kind of relationship with me, but I just feel like I'm talking to a regular girlfriend. I don't really think I'm gay enough for her... ? Hmm. And she still feels a bit clingy and needy for me, it makes me nervous. And I know I have been like that, oh the poor people who have tried to be in relationship with me! I can really feel for them now.

Now I am home and looks like my insomnia stayed here, even though I could sleep while I was away. :(

Other tidbits: The other guy at the lake has asked me if I wanted to hang out, I told him I had made plans with Roc in advance (although Roc and I never talk- I completely gave up on him while I was at Delia's and I asked him to call me on IM- he was IMing three other people at the time and couldn't be bothered to give me time). I don't know why but I was still wondering if I owe Roc something. Then I became angry because obviously he doesn't want anything to do with me (see above) and then tonight I just got a FB message that he will see me this coming weekend, I don't know what to think. Like maybe he thinks we are just going to get physical and that's how you build intimacy with people, maybe? I dunno. Also Smitten wrote another comment on my FB, I responded underneath him and then erased it. Perhaps that will make him go away because he got a "response" and it seems all he needs is a little attention and then he disappears. Also I called a guy from the dating site, we talked for about 15 minutes. Oddly enough we are from the same hometown, and actually went to the same high school- for one year at the same time. I was a senior when he was a sophmore. That is crazy and bizarre! We don't really know each other and didn't exchange last names, so I suppose if I looked really hard I could find him, but... I said, "Should I go look in my yearbook?!" and he said, "Please don't." So I didn't. We might meet for drinks at some point, I guess we'll just see how it goes.

Love,
Duck

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