Dear Diary,

On my way to Serena's class. Stayed at Nia and Lee's the last couple of days, it's weird though because I always feel like I am in some kind of brain fog when I am at their house, and it never quite feels like we connect fully. But I think everyone is sleep deprived - they have two kids, I have my insomnia- and that makes for interesting companionship.

Also a few days ago last week I called Shelby. I was feeling like he had turned into every other guy and he wasn't going to call me back, but he did call me after a day or two and said he would most likely have time to talk on Sunday (yesterday). So after I called and left a message he called me back. We talked for a bit- he about settling in with his wife, both of us a bit about work- and then it was very weird because in a very abrupt way he said something like, well I am going to turn around and head home now (he was walking) and I realized he was ending the phone conversation and I felt kind of shocked. We had been talking for about 20 minutes, usually Shelby and I have talked for an hour or more and I have never felt rushed or cut off from him. I was aware that I wanted to tell him more- maybe about my dating experiences, about my laughable failures around trying to have sex- maybe about G and how I felt he was like Shelby- but I felt distinctly cut off and that I was merely being TOLERATED by Shelby rather than my usual experience of him which has been that he cares about me. Which maybe he does, in his own way, but like many human beings he is just that- human- and now it seems I have ceased being useful to him as a sexual component in his life. We hung up, I felt shocked, confused and later saddened by the whole thing, because I had really thought we could have some kind of sustainable friendship after what we'd shared. And I am aware that maybe I am missing something and somehow unaware, but I'm not sure. There is always a fine line for me between having feelings and having them hurt AND being needy. So this is the part where I get confused- am I needy or is this a justified disappointment?

I might bounce it off Gia later tonight and see if she could give me some insight.

And speaking of needy, I have been missing G every day but resisted the urge to call him all weekend. Yay, me. I know that he went to this sexy all weekend party and probably hooked up with a bunch of people. That doesn't even bother me so much- I just feel hungry for him. Part of me wonders if I should call him and another says, no, wait for him to miss you. Maybe I will wait another week and see. I don't even know if the missing is real, or if it is just neediness. Maybe a combo. Again, with the fine line. We just never know with me. But we can guess that the neediness is in the forefront. It always is.

Someday I hope to be up to the level of a normal person with good self-esteem (does such a thing exist?). Till then I have to deal with my shortcomings. I can always look back and see that I have improved. I don't date total critical pricks anymore, and I would like to think that I don't date users, like Alphie. I am not running after people who are abusive and totally reckless with my heart, like Smitten or Wisconsin. I still tend to be attracted to the unavailable, okay, but I'm working on it.

It occurred to me yesterday that maybe I am just not destined to have that kind of life- the kind with a marriage and a kid and some level of commitment. Maybe my life is all about cleaning up my past via one hurtful relationship after another. Maybe there are no children in my future. Maybe that's it.

So if that's the case, I guess I should just enjoy being single. I could get myself a dog and a bunch of cats. Maybe people will continue to be bewildered as to why no one really wants to commit to me- everyone always seems astonished that I don't have a boyfriend but they are also not stepping up and offering to be my partner either.

And I don't say this in a self-pitying manner. I'm just saying, maybe that's really IT for me.

I guess we'll see.

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