Dear Diary,

I don't even know how so much time went by. Bleh... I am too stressed to cover every detail, suffice it to say I have been running around like a maniac between work and school with no down time. I am stressed to the max and today I was even having dizzy spells trying to get things sorted with presents that needed to be mailed and bills that needed to be paid.

I also went to see G, it was nice in the beginning, I could tell he was glad to see me. The first night was awesome, and hot. We fooled around a bunch. In the middle of the night I rolled over and he started touching me in oh so many delightful ways... and then he asked me if I wanted to make love. I was hesitant... for one thing, I was already embarrassed because to tell you the truth ever since M left and I got so stressed out and adrenally exhausted, my hormones have changed and I am not as WET as I used to be. I was always a very wet woman, and for some reason I'm not so much now... and I have really been doing a number on myself in my head about it. I go into a whole thing about how OLD I am especially when I am around G, even though he's never said anything about having to use lube or anything like that.

Anyhow, he asked me and I said I was actually having some trouble in the moment feeling some shame about how wet I wasn't. And I guess telling the truth was a good thing because he opened up and said something like, "Well I have some fears about being with you, I don't really know what's going with me... I feel closed down sometimes... and like I might hurt you... like I'm not the person you think I am... or something." He also told me that he doesn't really want to be monogamous right now but he feels the need to have some kind of primary partner, although it wasn't clear to me if he was considering me for that spot. If anything, he was very clear that he wasn't clear.

I told him that I don't even know who I am anymore, I am so very different from that person I was three years ago when M walked out my door. I didn't really tell G about M, just mentioned that there was someone who was a real catalyst in me taking a look at myself... but anyway I guess the point was that neither one of us knows what we are doing.

In any case, the next day was about bumming around and watching some movies. G doesn't have a car and basically still lives like a teenager- his room smells like boy, with a big pile of dirty laundry by the bed, which he uses to wipe himself after fooling around, and I caught him blowing his nose on one of his t-shirts.

Yes. It's that bad.

But he's mature in other ways- in his communication, a lot of the time. It was really too cold to go outside, so we stayed in. I noticed a place in me that really wanted to fool around, but it didn't feel very satisfying during or afterward. I was actually feeling pretty bad afterward. Okay really bad. I realized that maybe that is the kid part of me that gets scared our time is coming to an end and wants to get close somehow, although this time it feels like a bad meal that makes me sick. It doesn't fill that hunger at all.

I really wanted to talk to G about how I was feeling about him asking me to sleep with him- for the past few weeks we haven't really connected at all, and ever since he came here but decided to go home early to be with his friend or be alone, we haven't had much of a connection. I wanted to tell him about what kind of connection I need to sleep with somebody, but I felt incredibly afraid, and I ended up just chattering on and on about stupid shit. I was kind of deciding that G was not so into me and I was probably never coming back.

His mom drove me to the station, and it's obvious she really really likes me. Feels like she likes me more than G does, but actually we're probably closer in age! Gah.

Anyhow. On the train home G and I texted back and forth, I asked if I could call him later that night because I wanted to talk about some stuff that I had gotten shy about. He replied it was cool and I did call him. I really didn't know how to start so I said, I'll just start talking. And basically I told him that if he really didn't want to be or do something with me then he should just tell me and stick to his guns rather than doing something out of obligation. (That's what M did a lot of). I am just really clear that I don't want to be with another man that is ambivalent about me... that just isn't sure if he wants to be with me but just keeps trucking along because it seems to be what I want. I know G is having trouble figuring out what he wants, I guess the last couple of relationships he was in hurt his heart, but I'm also really clear that it's not my job to heal him either. In the past I would have thought it was, and I would have worked really hard at it, and fixed him up so he could leave me and go be with someone else, getting my own heart broken in the process.

Fuck that.

I'm not doing it anymore. DONE. No matter how cute he is.

G was cool about it... I'm not saying he is ambivalent, but I also don't feel that same hunger that he used to have for me. It's not there and I don't want to be chasing him down. He was nice, and we got very clear. I also told him that I feel more connected if we talk on the phone, and that I like when he calls me. But he says he doesn't want to call unless he feels like it. Okay. I can't make him feel like it. The communication was all good, but in the end I felt still like G is unavailable and not where I am. I don't even care so much that he is sleeping with other people, if he sleeps with me I want him to be THERE. Fully. He told me he is going to spend New Year's Day with one girl (probably Kitty, I surmised), and the following weekend with another girl somewhere else, the thought doesn't even bother me because I know he is just fucking around with his closed-off self. Big deal. They aren't getting anything that I'm not getting, they are in fact probably getting less. I am most likely older than both of those girls (Kitty is probably 25, 27 at the most)... and I have been around the block, I know that sleeping with a man doesn't necessarily make him close to you. And I am just not so attracted to closed-down men anymore... they don't do it for me.

So, it's not like we broke up or anything, but I don't really have any intention of calling G. If he calls me, great, I will be happy and pleasant. But I don't want to chase a man. Especially not a young stinky man with piles of laundry.

Oddly enough, I had many dreams, one was that someone said to me, "Yeah, G said you guys broke up," and I was mildly appalled because we hadn't broke up, we had only had a really clear communication about what I didn't want... right? It was a confusing and sad dream.

Another dream was that I was supposed to bring a gift for the leader of a seminar (the weekend workshop I went to before Serena's class) but I forgot it.

This dreams, what are they saying?

Ha! Just looked this up: "To dream that your boyfriend or girlfriend is breaking up with you, indicates that your relationship is moving to the next level. In a way, it is an end to something; you are leaving some past behind. At the same time, it is the start of something new or better. It is important to remember that such a dream is not an omen that the relationship is not working out. As a relationship evolves and grows, it also changes."

Well, we'll see.

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