Dear Diary,

I am on my way to the dentist to get my two fillings done, slightly dreading it. It has been a weird day already and it's not even 10pm. For one thing I woke up to an email notice from FB that one of my photos had been removed because it was "inappropriate". Which is weird because it was a painting, and I've seen far more inappropriate things on FB... what was also weird was I had no idea whose painting it was, I just liked it, and a few days ago this chick friended me and then commented that she painted it and she was so glad I liked her artwork and blah blah blah, like like like all over the place. So I commented too and said I was so glad to know the artist and thanks for making such a beautiful work... but right before I hit the send button on that comment I had a weird feeling... not really sure what it was... maybe a feeling that I would offend her somehow? Anyway I posted the comment and woke up to this notice. I thought that indeed my intuition had been correct and I had offended her somehow and she would have unfriended me, but she did not and there is no evidence that she reported the photo. Weird.

Also I blew out my bedroom lightbulb this morning just turning on the light... maybe you don't think that is weird but it just feels like a strange day. At the time I was switching the light I was thinking about how working two jobs is just too stressful and taking a toll on my physical and emotional health.

I actually didn't even go to the pt job yesterday even though my original intention was to do so... I just stayed home and started watching "Lost" online. Yes I realize I am the last person in America to see it, I'm not even telling too many people I'm watching it since I don't want anyone to spoil it for me.

Anyhow I was wrestling with feelings of guilt about not going to work, I mean technically I could watch TV at work on Monday since more than half the staff is not there on Mondays. But also there is nothing to DO, I am sick of the place and I just don't want to BE there. I have already been sick several times this year and I haven't gotten sick since I started working for myself- but ever since I started working for someone else, I never feel good. And that's the truth- I feel awful all the time now, completely drained and like I have no time for myself to do anything that interests me personally. When I do get a break I am resistant to doing anything at all besides lying down and watching television. Life just can't go on like this!

I think I forgot to mention that not only is Steffy getting married out of town, but also she called me on Christmas eve and asked me to be one of her four bridesmaids. Of course I was deeply honored by the fact that she wants me to stand in her wedding whilst being mortified by two other things: 1) the cost of a dress that I will never wear again and 2) her crazy friend Regina that is also a bridesmaid- this is the girl who talks in babytalk and doesn't understand the concept of personal space. Worrisome because I know that if, say, we had to share hotel rooms I would get stuck with her since the other two bridesmaids are already great friends and roommates. In any case I felt like I had to say yes since Steffy had so many friends to choose from and she made the decision with the idea that these were the closest people to her that she wanted to share her day with... you know? So a $300 dress and $800 for the dentist... God knows what other expenses will come up in the meantime.

I know it doesn't help to be focused on the negative. I also realized how much money I can make in my other ventures, it is just a matter of focusing my energy and doing it.

So last night I met with Steffy, her mom and two other bridesmaids to look at dresses. It wasn't really that fun for me, but at least Steffy is letting us pick the individual dress styles that suit us best and our colors as long as they are in a certain palette. I got the cheapest of the dresses but it was still hefty...

Oh well. "Worked" over 9 hours today so it's just about pacing and plodding through, making payments and doing my best! What else is there to do?

That's all for now.

Love,
Duck

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