Dear Diary,

I started writing an entry yesterday but somewhere along the way completely forgot about it and shut my computer down. ? Don't ask me what's wrong with me these days, I guess just the usual.

I worked a lot over the weekend, Saturday was my long day and I was pretty much drained. Luckily B stopped by and offered to drive me home, first he took me out for a huge sandwich. John was there and hanging around till the very end like he does, waiting to get asked along. The same thing happened last month and we haven't asked him either time. He might be disappointed, I don't know, but rather than worry about it, I need to take care of myself. When I leave work I have no dependents, and that's how it should be.

In any case I came home and went to bed at midnight and slept eleven hours. I told you I was tired! Sunday Emily was supposed to rent a car and come and pick me up so we could spend the day together. I called her and she said that cars were too expensive this weekend so she didn't get one, but we could still hang out. She said I could come to her place, or we could meet at her cousin's (which is more in the middle). I really was kind of tired of going going going and had been looking forward to someone picking me up! Emily said she would come to my place instead, which is rare. The money thing is weird with her too, I guess I am just not tuned into her finances. She bought a house and is having some work done on it, so she often says she can't do this or that to save money, but then she does things like buy an iPad, or go on another vacation to meet her boyfriend out of the country, or buy $300 boots. I guess like anyone, it just boils down to what's important to you. I'm sure someone could listen to my money woes and then keep wondering why I continue to fly out of state for school, or why I am going to visit Keith for a week or this or that... the answer for me is because these are the sweetest things in my life right now, without them life just gets worse for me. Maybe it feels like that for Emily, or not. I guess each person's relationship to their finances is such a unique and personal thing.

Emily coming over meant I had a lot of cleaning to do. One half of the house was okay from my cleaning spree from when Will came over. But dishes were piled high in the sink, the kitchen was a mess- I hadn't really been able to clean anything that required moisture since I cut my hand on Monday. It was better now so I put away a bunch of stuff, moved my piles around, did the dishes and cleaned the stove. It was still pretty much a wreck when Emily arrived but, whatever. She will just have to deal. She brought me some snacks, which was really nice. She only stayed about an hour and a half. She told me that the last two times she met up with her bf they didn't have sex, nor did he want to kiss or really show any affection. Even though Emily insists that he is "getting better" because he said he might "change his mind" and agree to move to another country with her, but even then he made it sound like that in itself would be more about giving Em opportunities at work. I think Emily is severely deluding herself, he obviously is closing down more and more and looking for a loophole so that if they do move in together he can say he's not technically committing to anything. Pretty sneaky. And why would you want to move in with someone who wasn't affectionate to you NOW? I reminded her that this stage of being apart was when couples couldn't wait to see each other and usually jump into bed as soon as they get home from the airport. Where could they possibly go from here? Emily agrees but still insists everything is "good"- she obviously has such low self-esteem that she can't truly hear the logic in my words. So it's really no use shaking her and giving it to her with both guns, because she would just end up hating ME, not leaving him. Not worth the trouble.

So she came and then took a taxi home, and I went back to doing my thing of lying around in my pajamas. Monday came and I didn't feel like going to work- I know, who does? I spent the day alternately trying to get things done and feeling really bad about myself. Mostly the latter.

So today I'm at the pt job, overall it's just good for me to get out of the house... even though I hate it here.

More later,
Duck

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