Hi Diary,

Well, tell me if you think this is completely wrong: we ship a lot of things from the part time job- we spend a lot of money shipping expensive things. So every couple of months the shipping company sends a little "reward"- an Amex gift card or an Amazon gift card good for $60. I first noticed a couple months ago because all the mail nobody else wants ends up on my desk, and this offer came with the registrar's name on it. I was tempted but I gave it to her, figuring all the shipping ran through her name so she had "earned" it -(though not really-it's the company's money). Anyhow. I don't know what she did with it- she might have been the kind of person who threw it away.

In any case another reward came along and I filled it out with my name. I got the gift card figuring I could use it for groceries, since my paychecks are pretty much spent before I earn them (paying everyone I owe) and that's before I factor in any kind of living expenses. It came yesterday and I had a brief but poignant moment of doubt about taking the card. Was it okay? Did it matter? Does it technically belong to the owner of the company- who doesn't keep track of any of the finances anyway, spends all money like water whether we have it or not, and is driving everything into the ground? Or is it okay for me to take it as a benefit of the job- since technically I have no benefits, being part-time... and I am broke. And overall kind of in a shitty place.

I don't know. But I took it to the grocery store. To be fair, I was very mindful in buying healthy foods that can sustain me for a time: milk, cereal, meat, cheese, vegetables, brown rice (Gia had suggested maybe if I ate more healthy carbs, like rice, I wouldn't crave sugar so much?). In any
case, no cookies, candies or other things like that. Real food.

Speaking of food... and eating disorders... I guess I really put Shelly into a spin. On Saturday I was hanging out with her and Gia and I brought up that I was considering doing that big cleanse/fast thing again. I guess that triggered Shelly big time (she is a "recovering"/wobbly anorexic) because she tried to make a case for me "just buying lots of vegetables and eating really well" for a week. She referred to doing the fast as punishing myself... I tried to explain that that that doesn't work for me. In the fifteen years I've had an eating disorder, do you not think that it has occurred to me to "just stop eating sugar" or "buy a lot of vegetables and just eat those"? It's not like that's a genius idea by any means- it's quite practical, and if it worked for me, it would have WORKED already.

I know it may be a difficult dynamic to understand, especially if one leans toward the tendency of not eating enough. I've never really had that problem. I know it's emotional in nature- I eat when I'm angry, when I'm sad, when I feel lost. I know the foods I eat create imbalances that make me crave even more sugar. I know all this. People with eating disorders know a lot about food and nutrition.

To compound my anxiety around the issue, Shelly sent me an email yesterday detailing her new plan- apparently she was very inspired after being very triggered. So in the email she said she had quit eating all sugars and was exercising and even went to a coach to do punching and kicking. She invited me to "join her"- I guess she felt if we did it together it would help me. But the truth is we are too far apart and the times I need somebody most- late at night- nobody is there. Plus I guess I am just not ready- I don't want to. This is Shelly's agenda, not mine.

I don't want to do it this way because, I just don't want to. Also, it doesn't feel like there is enough support for me with this method. It might be one thing if I were in some kind of inpatient program where someone was feeding me healthy food, giving me activities to do, and providing therapy. Shelly works a few jobs and lives in a house with no cell reception. Plus it is obvious that she gets triggered by my thoughts and actions, so really she is not strong or sober enough to hold that kind of structure for me. In a way I am proud of myself for recognizing this, because otherwise by going by someone else's agenda in a less-than-adequately supported environment, I would be setting myself up for failure and disappointment.

The eating disorder started several years ago when I had a surgery I didn't really want to have, but my family was pressuring me to do it (see: following someone else's agenda). Soon after that I began eating enormous amounts of food, most likely to stuff down all the anger I felt about having a surgery I didn't want and feeling totally violated by the surgery as well- quite the compounded issue. I realize there was no one in my life that could hold me at that time: hold the concept that I could put off the surgery until I felt ready (which I later found out was totally possible), hold the grief and anger I felt. I guess it was so intense that I couldn't even hold it myself- so I used food to help me hold it. Now, with all the work I've been doing on myself, I hope to be able to hold it on my own or at least accurately assess who/what is a good source of support for me.

The attraction of a fast for me is RELIEF. The relief of not having to figure out food, replace, cut out, feel less than satisfied... just drink a drink and go to the bathroom. That's it. Then, the starting over part where the simplest things taste amazing, and there is no compulsion to eat processed or garbagey stuff.

If anything I am making the commitment to do my anger work everyday, and also engage some kind of exercise every day. I'm not sure when I will do the fast, maybe after I get back from Keith's? Next week I have to work a lot so... just not sure about that. But this morning I did some good stuff around anger, and I believe getting to the root, the feeling, is a good idea as well as physical activity. Those two things do a lot for me.

So. There we go.

[previous] [next]