Dear Diary,

Ever feel like there's not enough hours in a day? That's how it's been here... I had two of my own private clients today and I chose not to go to pt job. If I had gone I would have only been there two hours, and it takes awhile to commute, it really wouldn't have been worth it.

I don't think I mentioned but yesterday I was on my way to work and this guy started talking to me on the bus... I did not want to talk to him and even though it was obvious that I had my headphones on and was listening to music, he kept talking to me. I guess it was not obvious to him. We actually had to change buses and he even came to sit by me AGAIN. Maybe he was thinking about asking me out but I was not interested in someone so dense. I finally got off at a stop that wasn't even mine because I was just thinking, I will be damned if I am going to TALK to someone all the way to work. No way! I just got on the next bus and of course this made me later for work than I wanted to be.

Well today, after my first client I didn't even know what to do with myself once I decided not to go to the office. I decided to go for a walk in the park, and while I was walking who do you think rides up to me on his bike?! The bus guy! Now I don't know if he recognized me, or if he just normally goes around and tries to talk to all women. But I had my headphones on, I said, "I'm actually on the phone... but it's nice to see you, goodbye!" and I kept on walking. I am so sick of people needing things from me! I need some space for myself.

I had another client later in the day, then I went to a few stores and picked up some ingredients for the dessert I'm making to bring to Oscar's dinner party tomorrow night. It is a total experiment because I am changing all the ingredients to be gluten free... I've already fucked up the crust a little bit...oh well, hopefully it will still be good.

I'm not feeling very well at all, definitely not getting enough rest these days. Will be going to the lake this weekend. Wondering if G will be there. Sometimes I have a fantasy that we will start dating again, although I don't know what good that fantasy is, if any of that is even possible. Even if he was totally in love with me, he's still a young guy with no job, no money, who lives two hours away. In general I wonder why I can't just meet someone who has his shit a little more together... I mean really... I may not have my shit completely together, but I'm doing relatively ok in most realms.

I did call Marianne's house the other day because I needed to talk to her and Roc answered. Um... could have been awkward but he said he had been thinking about me a bunch and was so glad I called. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I was actually calling to talk to Marianne, so we had a chat... he asked how I was doing and I told him some stuff (not too deep, but personal nonetheless). I asked him how he was doing and he said a bunch of stuff I didn't even understand... about darkness and light and coming into the magic... and I thought, oh yeah, this is why I could never be with Roc... he doesn't make any fucking sense. He says shit without saying shit, because he can't be vulnerable, so it's like fake vulnerable, saying a bunch of words he's heard other people say because in actuality he doesn't even know who he is. I've seen it before.

So we're talking along and he's telling me about the kids and he says, oh, this is my kid's school, can I call you back? Ok. Then we hang up, and he never calls back. And I say, oh yeah, this is why I could never be with Roc. He never calls back. He is the epitome of lame. Oh well. Oh well.

Dodged a bullet on that one, I did.

Hoping there's a better man in my future, and real soon.

Which reminds me... Pandora will be at the weekend. We have talked on the phone a few times, and things seem to have settled back into a friendship thing with us, so I think it's all okay.

That's it for now!

Love,
Duck

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