Dear Diary,

I realize that my latest diary entries have been lacking mirth. Pia says some astrological transit thingy is why I have been so bummed for the last two years. Good lawdy, I am ready for that to end. Maybe there is a chance I could be a little happier. If so, I would take it.

So after working 8 and 9 hour days at pt job, I wanted to kill somebody. I went to the movies on Friday with a girl from my exercise class. We went to see "The Help" which of course wasn't as good as the book. It never is. I also got my eyebrows done, then I went to Jim and Simon's restaurant. Jim was not there but Simon was. He asked me how my boyfriend was doing (yes, he still thinks I'm dating M) and I just gave him a look and literally, yes he got all excited because he thought I had broken up with (imaginary) M and that now he had a chance to be with me. Which just means him pushing me and trying to get physical with me because I imagine he thinks he has some kind of magic penis that he thinks will convince me I am in love with him. So I said no, we were still together.

But it is a hard ruse to continue. I like Simon overall, but it seems the only way to actually keep a friendship with him is to pretend I am in a relationship. Otherwise he will not be content to just be friends. He tries to convince me at every turn why I should be with him, he tells other people we are dating, he does weird shit and some of it is scary. He argues with me constantly about why I shouldn't feel the way I do- why would I even want to be with someone who doesn't respect my feelings? He doesn't get any of it, I guess because women are not very respected in his culture. He only thinks he knows who I am because he really can't conceive what kind of person I really am or what I want- or he dismisses what I want as invalid. When I say I want a man who has a similar path as mine (meaning personal growth, emotional and spiritual maturity) he says I should have something different because why would I want the same as myself? That is because he is not very emotionally mature himself. Maybe he thinks women should just be happy with what God gives them.

I don't know why we are friends then. Perhaps he is just a distraction for me. I had dinner and then he gave me a ride home. But first he took me for a ride all around the neighborhood. He showed me the house he lives in now, which I have never seen. Of course we didn't go in, because he is back with his wife who he brought over from his home country.

Overall it feels weirder and weirder to know him because I can't really talk about anything real. I am more lost and messed up in my life than he knows- he at least thinks I have this relationship with M as a source of stability and resources, which is absolutely untrue. He thinks M wants me to move 2 hours away and get married, and Simon was encouraging me to do it. I think it's pretty hard to fake an engagement and whatnot. Well. M and I are going to have to have some kind of falling out soon I think, and I need to find a new boyfriend. If I had actually found a real boyfriend, I could create some story about how it didn't work out with M and now I'm with this guy. But no, I haven't met anybody who sticks. So Simon thinks M and I have been together for 4 years. But as far as I'm concerned if it keeps him from trying to fuck me, it's worth it. If you remember a few years ago he was basically on the verge of assaulting me because he wanted to be together. It's easier this way.

After my time with Simon I went home and packed, and the next day I flew to Delia's. It's been okay here, and relaxing. We haven't done much but swim, occasionally go shopping, eat, and watch movies. I feel mildly depressed and stressed out about something, I'm not sure what.

Yesterday I had some minor stress because I checked my bank account and found out my checking account was overdrawn. This seemed like a crazy concept to me since I had planned everything so carefully. Seems the postdated checks I sent with careful instructions to the yoga retreat? Nobody paid attention to the instructions and rather than spacing them out every two weeks, they cashed ALL my checks- ON THE SAME DAY. Draining my bank account to negative numbers! I called the yoga guy, he called me back, he had understood my instructions but apparently he gave the checks to his partner and she's the one that didn't pay attention and cashed them all. I felt like having a fit. They are going to reimburse me the bank charges, but WTF? It has totally fucked up my ability to pay my bills this month, and I am still worried about making rent. The only way I could relax was to call B and ask him if he could go deposit some money into my account. He did so now more of my checks won't bounce, but now I have to pay him back as well. Jeebus. Luckily he is a true blue friend and I'm very grateful he could do that for me.

Gah. I am still so worried about money, but I think I get this way every time I am not working and don't have true cash flow. Someday I will learn how to enjoy a vacation, I swear.

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