Dear Diary,

Well I have kind of reigned it in a bit as far as the fantasizing goes. Sometimes this happens where I eventually burn myself out, or I just get the sense knocked into me.

I spent the night at Serena's house which I have never done before. Serena is not warm and fuzzy by any means. I guess she actually kind of scares me because I don't know what to do when I am alone with her. She doesn't really make small talk or expand on any communication so actually, unless she is the teacher, she's kind of awkward socially and just kind of sits there burning up the airwaves making people really uncomfortable. That's the best way to describe her. It was awkward at first but then she asked me about what's going on with me and my mom and we talked about some books and how her daughter likes school.

So I stayed there because she had offered it once, and it just felt easier than negotiating how to get to Thomas and Gia's after spending the day with Nia and Lee. Class was pretty exhausting and I ended up with a headache by the end of the day. That actually has been happening more and more frequently and I'm not sure why.

And something upsetting to me has been happening, it's almost too upsetting for me to write about, though I don't know why.

Remember at the end of June I went to the lake with all the younger people? Well there was a couple there named Tim and Pam. We seemed to hit it off and they are the ones that introduced me to exercise class. So I had been seeing them there once a week and one time went over to their house to watch movies. Then a few weeks ago they came to the party at my house and stayed over. I saw them a couple days later and everything seemed fine. I went to my yoga retreat and missed a class or two, when I came back something seemed very wrong with them. I thought maybe Tim was just having a bad day, since he's kind of moody. But I noticed that they really weren't doing any of the partner exercises with anybody but each other. And when I tried to talk to Tim he seemed not in a very good mood and they left without really saying goodbye. They came one more time to class but did not get changed, did not participate and were not very friendly to anyone and left early without saying goodbye. Then they stopped coming altogether.

I thought maybe I offended them somehow- but not sure how- but my friend Henry (also from the lake) said he was getting the same vibe off of them and that really they were not connecting with anybody but the teacher.

I figured that Tim was having some kind of hard time- maybe with people from the lake? And that Pam was withdrawing too to be in support of him. That seems like how it would go down, because she will really just do anything he wants. I get the feeling that she doesn't have much of a self and is just kind of doing whatever she has to do to keep him in her life. For instance they broke up but still live together? And he quit his job and she was still paying for everything. And supposedly they are not dating anymore. Oh well.

In any case I really was not sure what was going on. Then on Sunday I get an FB message, text and email from Pam asking if they can get their movies back that they brought over the night of the party. And I had written Tim an email asking if his knee was okay (the teacher said he hurt it and that's why he couldn't do exercise class). Rather than responding to any of my questions or banter Tim had responded, "Actually I'd just like my movies back." Um. Okay. I wrote them both back and said no problem but I am out of town right now so the soonest I could return them would be next Tuesday. Then I went and looked on FB and Tim has unfriended me. Pam has not- yet- but I feel that is only a matter of time.

The weird thing is that Henry assured me it wasn't me, yet I notice that Tim is still FB friends with him and all our mutual friends from the lake. So this is REALLY weird. I go away for one week and everything changed? I am confused. I have a feeling if I called to ask if I've offended them somehow (him, most likely) that they wouldn't even answer their phones. And I feel weird and pesty emailing when obviously they want nothing to do with me and they just want their DVDs back.

I don't know why but it brings up all this shit about rejection, and this fear that I did something horribly wrong but I don't actually know what it is. Or something I said or did has been perceived in the wrong way.

Really I know it could be anything- it seems weird that Tim would totally dump exercise class because of me. He has always liked it and it doesn't make sense that he would only practice with Pam anyway. If he was avoiding only me, there are tons of other people to partner up with. So there's that. And also the fact that Henry was getting a similar vibe. Nobody seems to be getting anything from him, but at the same time I am the only person from our group that he unfriended. Maybe he is frustrated about the DVD situation? I don't know.

In any case, in every situation I can only do my best. Most likely it is not just me because the last interaction I had with them involved giving them the rest of my stash and letting them sleep in my bed! And the last human conversation I had with Tim involved me thanking him for being so respectful of being in my house, I noticed that he asked to touch anything or even to use the restroom. But the FB thing is mildly disturbing. And Pam, I don't get it, we went to the movies once and I gave her a book to read and was gonna give her some clothes.

Okay I guess I am done. Mostly I am getting tired now. Maybe I will get to the point where I just don't care anymore. Do ya think??

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