Dear Diary,

It seems my insomnia has come back for a spell. I am out of melatonin and that is a really unfortunate thing. I need to get some more. I've dropped the ball on a few things, some more serious than others. Work, kind of important, shit like that. I woke up to a gray day, hardly believing it was almost 10am when the light felt more like dawn.

Cleaned the usual half the house that is in order when a client comes over. Someone I normally like but the job didn't bring me much joy today- I just wanted her to leave so I could be alone.

Hard times, these.

Still, I have no money for the dance workshop this weekend. So I guess that's out. I am already trying to figure out how I will make rent, because once again I am stuck in this crazy place where I don't have much of anything. Paying for the day I pressed that "first class" button for sure.

So far, high school crush and I have been writing regularly, almost everyday. He was not one of my big crushes, more like a passing fancy. Totally dorky with semi bad skin and a serious underbite, but I guess there was something sweet about him. It seems so now. He is a fairly good writer and seems to enjoy keeping the conversation going. It seems that high school, and many years after, were wracked with insecurity and shyness.

FB seems to offer a wealth of opportunities to acknowledge bullets dodged. One of my former heartbreaks, a guy I dated when I was 19- also with an underbite (I must have had a thing for that back then) and tattoos, a body like a brick shithouse- probably the first guy I was with where penetration actually felt good- thus increasing my attachment to him- broke up with me in a most ungraceful way because of my severe neediness. It was hard and I bordered on stalking him (once leaving 6 red roses outside his door in the snow, and considering faking a pregnancy- wow- wtf). I thought, what's the big deal, I guess enough time has passed, plus I have seen him since when he used to work at the music store (ha- music stores- were there ever such things??) and he would save stuff for me. Anyway, I went to his FB page and it was just scary. His life looks very lonely. A couple of dogs, works at some retail place, grew his hair long and acts like a teenager. Pics of him wearing ridiculous masks and pointing fingers at the camera like he is some comic strip villain... um, he's 43!! Just weird. All the pics feel dark and sad and just like he is still a kid living in the basement reeking of pot. It was kind of a big turn off and I decided not to friend him. Not to judge, I have my own loneliness, but he had problems with debt and drugs (having to declare bankruptcy at age 20, and even owing me money when we broke up, I got a lawyer and everything) and... I dunno. What's the point of being friends if we're not really going to connect? Imagine my life if I had gotten what I wanted, and been with him??

I've also seen Derek, my most abusive ex, on FB. He is married to an unremarkable girl and has a kid. I can only half figure out that the follow some metal band around religiously and even their pics fairly reek of beer and cigarettes. All I can think when I look is that their house must smell terrible. Derek is terribly scruffy and overweight and just looks like a surly teenager in every photo. In any case neither of these guys looks like they grew emotionally from the time I left them so I guess I could say... phew.

Dodged them bullets.

Speaking of exes Grace made an official announcement that she and Alphie are breaking up. Personally I thought that happened months ago (Petra told me) but maybe Alphie told her first, or maybe Grace has been fooling herself for awhile.

In any case I should probably drop to my knees and thank God that I didn't get pregnant or trapped with any of those guys because, really, my life has been so much better without them. I have traveled all over the world and had amazing expansive experiences and... well I am most certainly my own person. And those times when I prayed and hoped and wished just this one THING, Universe, just give me this person, well I was dead wrong and the Universe knew I was dead wrong and said nope, you are destined for greater things. For that I can be grateful.

I have even realized I can look at M that way too. For all the ways he fit, there were all the ways that he was uncomfortable within himself and unable to truly be with me. I don't know what kind of road he's chosen but I can't worry about it. The same brilliance that led me away from those other guys will eventually lead me to someone right. I have to believe that.

It would be nice to have sex though! This is getting kind of ridiculous. On October 29th it will officially be four years since I've had sexual intercourse.

Now Universe, we must be able to work out some kind of deal on THIS one...

[previous] [next]