Dear Diary,

Went to work yesterday and stayed a good long time even though I was feeling pretty bad. I did have a lot of stuff to do though and actually did work the whole time! Okay I have been quite behind on reconciling things and putting things in order, but no time like the present I guess. It will all be fixed by the time I leave. I am pretty proud of myself for paying off another credit card (though nobody cares but me- it gives me a sense of accomplishment, but mostly my boss is concerned with paying our vendors, and the owner has no fucking idea what's going on and believes that credit card debt is good because it will give him money back on his taxes. Needless to say he was shocked when he was told we weren't getting a return. He's a dork).

In any case just the thought of everything coming to an end there is actually what makes it bearable. I have a new laptop now, so there's no longer that draw of "the better computer is over at the office." I do however need a printer and a copier, so that is necessary.

Other problems crop up. I got an email from Gia. When I was last there, she and Thomas and I were trying to hash out how my stays at their place could feel more fair to them. Thomas proposed the amount of $20, I was thinking he meant $20 per stay of maybe 2 or 3 days or so, and me helping around the house, chores, etc. Only I guess they had further discussions and Gia wrote me that, "Thomas and I have been talking and the number that feels good for us is $20/24 hours when you stay with us. That is inclusive of 3 meals, laundry, showers, sleeping and such." Well, on one hand that is a very reasonable number, and on the other, I don't think I can do it.

I was trying to weigh against my usual money fears- panic, feelings of not having enough, etc, with the actual truth of my situation. $20 a day, while a great vacation deal, is still quite a bit of money, especially after airfare, transportation to and from the airport, food on the go (airport food- the worst!!), class fees, and other incidentals. So I wrote back that while I think that seems a reasonable number for living expenses, I think it's too much for me. (First I was actually questioning if I really even eat $20 a day worth of food in that house. They get a lot of eggs for free. And I often contribute my bread to the table. And that's breakfast. There's actually not usually anything for lunch either- they are very light lunch eaters. Dinner is usually the heaviest meal, and I don't have a problem contributing, but still not sure if it actually adds up to $20).

There's a lot of factors here. For one, it seems I would still be expected to chip in on chores and tasks AND pay this per diem fee as well. That to me feels excessive- like they should pick one- work or money. And another is that I used to sleep in Gia's workroom but I guess that she has since decided she doesn't want me to sleep in there. So the last couple of times I have slept on a very lumpy couch. They were excited to present this couch to me as my new sleeping place, but the truth is it is awful, and messes up my back and my neck, aside from also limiting my choice for an early bedtime- I can't go to sleep until everyone else leaves and turns off the lights. I told Gia I don't think I can sleep there anymore. She said that in the warmer months she thought that maybe I could tent outside in the backyard. Okay? Um, that felt kind of bad, like being pushed out of the house. I don't want to seem ungrateful but I went from having a private room to the couch and now outside, and being asked to pay for using water and whatnot.

I also told Gia that if utilities were the concern (they must be for Thomas) I could perhaps adjust. For instance, I don't NEED to do laundry at their house- it was more of a convenience thing that had been offered to me, and other friends I had stayed with have done so. I don't have my own washer/dryer, so I really don't know how most people feel about that. I just know that when I have stayed with Stacey or Nia and Lee, they have always welcomed me to use their facilities. Apparently this was a bone of contention with Thomas because he thought that I was not doing full enough loads of laundry or something... so ok.

I kind of get the intuition that Thomas is still angry, that he is struggling with money and somehow wants me to help make up for his own problems. Like I said, I don't want to seem unfair or like I am cheap- but I'm highly doubtful that the three of us consume $60 worth of groceries per day. Maybe the changes and demands are just too much for me at once. Maybe I am being unreasonable. Your opinions are welcome.

Today felt like a flop day. I know I was panicked about Gia's proposal because I was awake till dawn. I slept poorly and had cramps all day even though nothing's officially "happened" yet. I also had the horrible realization that I still owe B $400 and numerous amounts everywhere else. It therefore feels a little crazy to think about quitting my job. So maybe I have to put other things in place- make new plans- but instead of doing anything I go into this frozen place- that place of not being able to deal with overwhelm that we talked about in my session last week. And then I hate myself.

And that's how it goes.

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