Hi Diary,

Trouble waking up fully today. I remembered I had an appointment at the chiropractor. I went there and the first thing he said to me was that I looked really stressed and exhausted. Oh. Guess I'm not imagining that, then. I felt a lot better after the adjustment and it's nice to have a chiropractor that obviously cares so much about me.

I only went to the pt job for a couple of hours after that... I wasn't planning on staying at the chiro office so long, it just happened that way. I thought I was going to work my ass off this week but I just... CAN'T. I'm exhausted and I hate it there. I can't wait to quit. I have no idea how I will make my rent. I just know that I can hardly bear this job anymore. I talked a little bit about the economy, etc, which is scary, but he agreed that if it makes me miserable I should quit. I also think that my body has gotten worse since I started working there and I am just sitting all the time.

So here's some breaking news. Last night I was talking to another friend from the lake. When I spoke to him a few weeks ago, I had mentioned that Tim was acting weird. He asked me about it and I told him it was still going on. I asked him if he knew anything about it. At this point I realized this friend did; he got a little squirrelly because he knew something but couldn't remember Tim's exact words, but finally he tried to tell me as best he could. He said, "You said that when they stayed at your house they slept in your bed? Well I guess... Tim said... that you said something about them being in your bed... with you...and Pam didn't like it very much."

Um, what? I don't remember anything like that AT ALL. I didn't have designs on Tim (although isn't it weird that I had that dream the other morning that I was going to "be" with him???) and maybe I said something flippantly or as a joke, I suppose it's possible, but it doesn't ring a bell with me. Still, I felt some relief, like maybe I knew what the problem was and now I could address the situation.

So tonight I went to exercise class. Pam wasn't there, but on the break I asked Tim if I could talk to him for a minute. He said okay. We went into a corner and I said, "It seems like I might have really offended you guys somehow," Tim was quick to say, "Oh no, we are just taking our distance," He then went into some weird explanation of how neither he nor Pam really have any family and they don't really need people in their lives who "pop in and out". I asked him if he felt like I was one of those people, and he said yes- that all of us from the lake are like that. What? I said, well you are aware that I travel once a month so I can't always be here, right? He said yes, but went on to say that we are not really friends, just because we are on FB does not make us friends- that nobody from the lake ever makes the effort to visit them, that nobody called Tim on his birthday (Note: Their house is a hike, but I have been to their place once and they came to my house once. Also, Tim unfriended me well before his birthday).... he also went off on some tangent that had nothing to do with anything I was talking about... I mentioned to Tim that I had really been giving him space because it seemed like he was mad at me... he mumbled some sort of apology, but his story just didn't match up. At some point, mostly the tangent part, I realized that Tim IS very much like Alphie- the conversation started to feel very familiar, like the dozens and dozens of conversations I had had with Alphie, trying to be heard, trying to work things out, but he was so intent on "protecting" himself that he was super slippery and would go on these weird tangents about unrelated things to take my attention where HE wanted it to go... and Tim was doing THE SAME FUCKING THING. It was so fucked up because I realized in that moment that nothing Tim was saying was making any sense, and much like Alphie, I was never going to have a real conversation or any true resolution with him. The rules of this conversation were: Tim's rules, Tim will only be right, he will not be vulnerable, truthful, or caught off guard. I am so familiar with this scenario, that when the teacher called Tim to begin class, and Tim said, can we talk more later, I said okay but I knew I didn't want to or need to talk to him anymore. I was done with him.

At the end of the night, I made it a point to say goodnight to Tim (so he couldn't later use it against me that I didn't "continue our conversation"- but, oh well, he obviously makes stuff up about me anyway). After I left I called Pam immediately, on the off chance I could get her before Tim got home. She didn't answer, so I left her a message much like this: "Hi Pam, this is Duck. Bob mentioned that I may have said something that either hurt your feelings or offended you. So I hope you know I would never intentionally do that, so wondering if you could call me so we could talk about it, since I value our connection and would like to resolve it if I did make you feel uncomfortable." And then I hung up, and I felt... done. And good about it. I tried with Tim, and as for Pam, the ball is in her court. You notice I didn't mess around with asking her IF I offended her... I mentioned Bob saying something... so that I was letting her know if that's the problem... she doesn't have to make up a whole story like Tim did.

Well, whatever. I did my best.

I called Henry to tell him what happened. He was, of course, not pleased with the results, but he said a lot of nice things about the way I handled it. I pointed out that Tim was the perfect reflection for me- he made up some crazy story about how everyone from the lake is "bad", me most of all- shit that made no sense but allows him to believe whatever he wants about himself. Me, I did the same thing... when I felt the vibe that they were angry at me, I went into my OWN story... about what a horrible person I am, even when I do things by mistake, or don't know what I do... to protect MY image of myself, which just happens to be BAD.

I guess this was an important lesson learned...

Another tidbit: the cute guy I have a crush on has been in exercise class last night and tonight. He is so damn cute, but I have determined that he's not interested in me. Whenever I try to even talk to him about anything, he doesn't keep much attention on me. So, a little depressing. Last night, I told Henry, "I have a crush on that boy over there,". Henry left class early, I figured because he was so disgusted with the Tim situation. Tonight on the phone, Henry told me, "When you told me you had a crush on that guy, I got really jealous. That's part of the reason I wanted to go home early."

Strange- I wasn't really getting any kind of vibe from Henry that he might feel that way about me. Which I still don't think that he does- maybe he was just confessing some weird feeling. He has never tried to get close to me or kiss me or anything, and he's had plenty of chances.

I called some friends and told them how things worked out with Tim and Pam. I called Callie too, told her about that and also my conversation with Gia. She has been super supportive and that has been nice.

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