Well. It's been a few days. I don't know if I've been at my best. I did start going to the gym, and went two days this week- Wednesday (weights) and Thursday (legs). I also walked on the elliptical for 20 minutes on Wednesday, in all my jiggly glory. Honestly, I cannot believe I am this fat. But I am.

Oh well. I am also hoping it will help the depression. Something about how physical activity does that. I guess it seems okay when I am actually moving, but afterward, I kind of do the same things. I seem to remember this after Frank broke up with me as well. Oh well, at least, maybe I can lose some weight, and I will feel better about that.

Afterward each time I could take a straight bus to work at the pt job, which I guess is convenient and good. Not great, but good. I have been having severe stomach distress. Maybe it's because I feel the pressure on of quitting my job and I don't feel like I am ready or able to do it... but my stomach hurts all the time, especially after eating. Feels like it's way high under my ribcage and that I don't digest well. So I called a friend of mine who is an acupuncturist, I know he's very good and I couldn't remember if he said something about a trade or working something out... but he told me to come right away. He does adjustments and needles in the same appointment and I have to say he might be better than my normal chiro that I go to. I started feeling somewhat calmed. Then when I was about to leave there was the matter of money. We agreed on $50 for the visit (I had tried $40 and he proposed $10 more) I didn't want to insult him but I don't have insurance, and I think he charges $150 or something for a visit. Anyway I whipped out my credit card only to discover it was declined because of course, it was the first of December and my cc had expired, and had I activated the new one? No I had not. Of course! Because I already hadn't been able to pay my rent and have been avoiding my landlord in shame... knowing I would make money on the weekend but not having it yet. So because that was declined I had to use my debit card instead which was nerve-wracking! I was trying to keep money in my account.

The next day I stayed home because I was convinced my cycle was starting, but as usual it is slow and sluggish and takes its sweet time. And Saturday I worked the whole day, scored some cash, and went to a book store with Bethany in the evening to buy some gifts for my immediate family. I had looked up some things online, but thought I could avoid the shipping charges if I just went to this store, which sells a lot of new books at half price, so it's a great place. I was also trying to shop local, but I used my cc instead of cash. I'm just waiting for my check on the 9th, and then I need to settle a lot of bills and things. Sigh.

Came home and to bed, slightly crampy off and on. I didn't sleep well because I woke up with cramps, took some medicine and a hot bath. Must have been up at dawn because I fell back to sleep around 8:30am, and woke up at 1pm.

But I did have some very... uh, intense dreams this morning.

I dreamt that Thomas and Shelly were in my bedroom and I guess we were beginning to have some kind of three-way. Shelly lay down and Thomas and I set upon her... I myself started by biting the curve of her ass, which had a distinct girl-flavor to it. Suddenly there was some kind of crying and screaming... and my bedroom door was pushed open (it wasn't latched) Gia was on her knees crying and carrying on, like a child. I can't quite remember what exactly she was saying, but it was very whiney, and something along the lines of why couldn't we be quiet, why did we have to make so much noise. It seems that I had become emotional as well in the heat of my three-way, because it seemed maybe I had been crying too, though not the in the dramatic way Gia was.

The scene changed to me out in the living room with Thomas and Gia, and Gia asked if I was mad at her, and I replied "Yes Gia, I AM mad at you," it wasn't really true but I was trying to be funny, only when I said it I realized that I didn't get the right tone across at all, and Gia took me seriously and said, "All right then." And then I started to seriously consider that maybe I was mad at her after all...

And somehow down the line the scene changed and I was at some kind of entertainment console (computer/tv/gaming) with my father and brother in law Bud. There was some kind of porn flick, with women, happening- I guess I had put the DVD in there to illustrate some kind of point at some time or another, and somehow I was trying to switch screens and getting stuck, an the screen would show very explicit stuff, and I guess it was awkward considering the company. But soon my frustration at not being able to switch the screen was more than my shame, and I was saying, "We have to get this DVD out!" And scrambling for the button to do so- the whole set up was very fancy- and my dad was scrambling for the button also and next thing you know it was more like we were on a spaceship, pressed this elaborate button and flung at light speed into some other dimension down a long tube-like space, and our bodies lifted in 0-gravity and there were some beastly apparitions up ahead that opened their jaws... they were heads only... and I woke with that strange sensation of still being in 0-gravity.

Later after falling asleep, I had random dreams of my mother and I going back to a sweet shop we had visited before, and my uncle was there too. But when we got there I suddenly realized nothing was gluten-free, and I wouldn't be eating any bags of little cookies.

So, I don't know what it's all about, but I have been exploring some feelings about Gia. I MIGHT be upset with her. I've been mulling over the fact that most of the time, things have to be Gia's way. That when she was here visiting me, she balked when I wanted to attend a two-hour dance class, because she was visiting. But even if I am at her house, she takes all her classes and even sometimes hangs out with other people (without me). She keeps all her appointments and as near as I can figure, doesn't give up anything to hang out with me. And other things, such as the fact that since the summer, it seems if I don't call or make an effort to connect, they will not (and maybe it has always been that way, but I only noticed when I started to skip a few classes). Once again I feel like I am the one who is in charge of communication and maintaining the connection, and I don't like it. So yes, I'm probably a little angry.

Anyhow, I have to work tonight. Thought I would go to pt job, but not sure I'm going to get there... feeling pretty yuck.

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