Okay where have I been? I've been all over the place. Working at my usual haphazard, crazy pace and feeling sort of lousy (my meds are working but I am killing parasites and viruses, I guess, which feels terrible, although people say I look better).

One weekend I went to visit Gail. Over the course of two days, we did a little shopping, hung out at her house, gave each other massages, did the littlest bit of yoga, went out to eat and to the movies. It was nice, because I never really do anything but work most of the time.

I was home a couple of days where I worked and went to my exercise class, and then I went to visit my parents for about four days. I purposefully hung out with my parents (dinner and a movie), saw some neighbors and ZZ too. I tried to clean some of the stuff out of my parents' house and was only mildly successful. But mostly I have this anxiety that my parents are going to die and I need to see them as much as possible. Also there is a part of me that just wants to give up on being an adult and I want to move home, even though that is a terrible idea and most of my smart brain doesn't really want that at all. I think I just want something different.

I worked a bunch when I got home and then on the following Monday I fell on my head in exercise class. I hit my head REALLY hard, so hard that I had chills. The guys in the class kind of laughed at me and we moved on business as usual. I knew I was a little out of sorts but I did not know that I had a concussion. I came home and took a bath for the chills and got into bed and slept a long time. I felt reasonably okay when I woke up, went to pt job which was fine but at about 3 or 4pm I suddenly felt super tired and my head hurt. So I went home and to bed and stayed home most of the next day. I thought I was fine until I went out and got to the library, with the bright lights I was totally overwhelmed by everything in my peripheral vision. It was like all of a sudden I realized I had really hurt my head. I had to go give a presentation and it was quite a challenge. I called Callie, who is a doctor, and Steffy, who is a physical therapist who specializes in head injury. They concluded that I had a mild concussion and I needed rest. However I was also scheduled to fly the next day to go to Serena's class. I also had a bodywork appointment with one of the best bodyworkers in that area, and I knew she could help me if I could manage the flight.

Riding in the cab to the airport was hard since the driver was some kind of needy nut that kept trying to make me smile. I patiently explained that I am sick sir, I have a head injury sir, I have a CONCUSSION! And that fucker would still not shut up. That was bad. The airport made me a little wobbly, but once I was in my seat on the plane I was fine. I put on my noise-reducing earphones (borrowed from Lee) to drown out the Asian family behind me that hurt my ears (I think I had reached the limit of stimuli and their language, whatever it was, was hurting my ears), asked their kid to stop kicking my seat, and that was okay. Of course the plane landing late and then I had to traverse one end of the airport to the other to find my gate which was in some annex in the furthest point from where I had landed. I was already tired and thinking, really, God? Then I boarded my next plane and that flight was better.

The entire weekend was still way too active for somebody with a concussion, but I survived. I stayed with Stacy, and Kelly had actually flown out from our hometown so I got to see her too. It was nice to be with my girls. And I did get to my bodywork appointment and life got better after that. I also saw Stacy's latest boyfriend again, Fred (yes, she is married, but they only got married because she got pregnant, so now Stacy and her husband have an "open marriage" and she has a guy that she thinks is maybe worth leaving her husband for... but he's kind of needy and cheap- so her girlfriends really doubt if she will be happy with him). Class with Serena was okay, didn't really connect with anyone too much, it was all I could do to get through the class.

Since I have been home I realized I am still basically concussed. I feel fine, my peripheral vision and sense of hearing are fine, but I find I get tired earlier in the day and sometimes my head feels swimmy. I guess I am still healing.

I went back to my naturopath when I got home. When I began treatment they did a bunch of tests and gave me "a number". The lower the number the better, and my number was off the chart. Now my number is going down, so that's good news, although the visit still cost me quite a chunk of change. She said it's normal that I am not feeling super great because I am still detoxing a major virus and parasites and yeast. I have a ways to go.

Red came into town and I met him and another friend for dinner on Friday. He's got a new girlfriend that he is pretty wrapped up in, and doing well financially (he just bought a car). I saw him two times over the weekend, worked some, but didn't make a whole lot of money. And today I thought I would go to work, maybe exercise class or a dance class but I didn't do anything. I am just tired, and I guess not loving my life or routine.

Another interesting development: on Wednesday as I was getting a ride home from the doctor, I looked at my phone and noticed that I had an email from Alphie. Oh joy. The subject- he said that "trusted sources" of his had told him that I had said things about him and he was pretty upset about it. The things he implied sounded pretty dramatic and I immediately intuited that Michael had not only opened his big mouth, but had added to whatever I said to make it sound as horrible as possible. Part of me did feel guilty because I know I shouldn't talk about Alphie at all, but I was also pretty angry because what the hell, when I visited Petra and Michael, THEY had brought the subject of Alphie up to me and started asking a million questions and just wouldn't let it go- I felt completely baited and betrayed. I don't think it's Petra so much- I think that either she tells Michael what I say or he overhears and then he puts his own twist on things. Petra at least, I feel, understands my pain as far as everything that has happened with Alphie.

After discussing the whole mess with Gail, this was my response to Alphie: "Hello Alphie, thanks for bringing this to my attention. I haven't spoken to clients or colleagues regarding you in probably over a year. Recently I spoke with mutual friends of ours and they brought up your name. I will own the fact that we had a conversation about you, although I am thinking the words may have been twisted out of context. I don't know how they interpreted what I said, but obviously it upset you and I'm sorry. That was certainly not my intention. I apologize for speaking about you when you weren't there. As part of being a better person, I will never speak of you again. I wish you a happy journey too and much success."

Then I got another response pretty fast. Something like, "Well I guess never speaking about me again is better than speaking ill of me. I'm sorry it has to be so extreme." He then went on to basically say that he thought I was such a great person and he had never said anything bad about me (although Gail has pointed out and I agree with her that the whole community is so back-stabby, neither one of us believe that- Alphie is no angel, that is just plain fact), that he heard I talked about him a lot (which was the truth at one time, but that's years ago), that he has been respectful to me even though I have treated him horribly (never mind that he never mentions how horribly he has treated me), and that he "has his doubts" about referring me to any clients. Then he went on to write down the things that his "sources" told him. Of course they were either from years ago (that have no doubt been turning in Alphie's mind all that time), and the others were just overblown.

Once again I talked it over with Gail. My first inclination was to defend every point of his email, but I knew that would probably be useless. Even Gail pointed out that I had been that road before. Alphie is impossible to argue with. He decides he is right and then in his book you are tried, judged and sentenced. There is no space for anything other than the black and white in his mind, and he never, ever wants to admit he is wrong or that he made a mistake- that to him is akin to DEATH. I wanted to tell him that he hurt me too and that I would like an apology, or at least a thank you for all the things I had done for him. I had never gotten those things from him, but I also know that I probably never will. Alphie is in so much denial about who he really is- honestly when I said that I would never speak of him again I think it hurt his ego more than anything else, because if everybody is not worshipping him and thinking he is the shit, who is he? Well I am not buying the crap he is selling anymore. So after meditating on all of this, and pulling some cards, I concocted the email below.

Here was my next response: "Thank you Alphie, Just to clarify I didn�t mean that statement about not speaking of you, with any malice. I meant I will not engage in any conversation about you to our mutual acquaintances. As I guessed my sharings have been dramatized, exaggerated and embellished it seems with an intention to target you about things. That was not my intention. As I mentioned no one has brought up your name to me except recently 3 people we have in common. From now on I give you my word that I will not engage in gossip about you of any kind. Also if I am asked about you on a professional level I will speak only on positive terms. I apologize for the past as well. Our communication was not the best and I did do a lot of venting in unsafe containers. It was the best I could do at the time with the skills I had. If you can forgive me for that I would appreciate it. I came to peace with that several years ago so it has not been an ongoing thing as might have been implied to you. As I said no one has brought you up in conversation with me for almost a year and a half or more."

So far, I haven't heard anything back, but part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop. I should mention that in my reality, speaking of Alphie in positive terms to clients means that I won't say anything. I told Gail what I wrote, she thought I was being way too generous, but Gail has more of a challenger nature to her, and I know that I don't want to be embroiled in this mess with Alphie. I am afraid that he is going to tell Ben things I said about him (which is also true, but of course Michael exaggerated everything) and then I will be in an endless cycle of explaining myself. I don't want to be in an endless cycle of explaining myself, but I know I will be if I try to defend myself against Alphie. I don't want to deal with Ben either, but I don't know. Ben, I could actually tell the truth and he might hear it- I have had people approach me about his inappropriate practices so I actually feel that I have facts about Ben that he just cannot deny in any way. But, who knows.

It's exhausting and I hope it's over. Gail and I both agreed that I have apologized twice and what more could he possibly want from me? I'm thinking he may ask me at some point what I really said and I will tell him, to the best of my ability (I have to say I don't remember all the parts, but reading his sentences I can see the obvious embellishments and they are nowhere near my language). I know that he really wants drama because that is what he thrives on and it follows him everywhere. Gail says that she intuitively gets that Alphie is in a low place after Grace broke up with him and kicked him out of the house, and she felt he was just trying to control everything about the exchange with me. Okay. In my mind I guess I thought maybe someday we would be friends again, but all the feedback that I hear about him leads me to believe that Alphie hasn't changed all that much. He is still selfish and defensive and irresponsible. He still wants to be the star of every show and not admit to any vulnerabilities. I don't have the time or the energy to support somebody's ego that way. I have a life to live.

And I guess here is the only place I will be talking about him from now on. I will keep my word. Even if Petra, Michael and Russell bring him up in conversation, I will not lend one word to the subject of Alphie. I don't trust any one of them. It is sad and complicated, since I really love Petra and Russell. I just think neither one of them has adequate filters to NOT say something. But I believe Michael is a total troublestarter. He is such a fucking drama queen and leaks information constantly, whether it be idle gossip or private information. Not to mention that he treats Petra like crap and acts like a spoiled child. I am more than over him. As far as Gail goes, I want to be less angry and gossipy anyway. Although I feel that with Gail it is more venting and it doesn't really go anywhere.

In other news, I heard from Terry that she is pregnant. That is pretty exciting. I plucked a book to send her off my bookshelf- I am working my way through my books and dividing them into books I am giving away and those I am keeping. Mailing some to friends, some to soldiers, and I guess goodwill.

Emily has officially moved to Europe, I haven't really heard anything from her yet about what is happening with her. I know that a couple weeks away from moving, Mr. G had kind of a laissez-faire attitude about actually sealing the deal and getting married. Well I hope that she does not get hurt. I suppose any other woman would have seen the signs and maybe made another choice, but I suppose hope springs eternal.

I have spent the day in my pajamas and not done a damn thing, but maybe I earned it.

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