Dear Diary,

Well I am very nervous today because I am starting a parasite cleanse. It's a controversial one, but ZZ has done it and she seems fine. There can be the usual detox side effects such as vomiting and diarrhea if you go too fast. Some people on the internet compared it to drinking bleach, which is kind of scary, but those were people who haven't tried it, and there were tons of posts from people who have done it reporting good results- getting rid of candida and parasites, etc.

Honestly I'm at the end of my rope. In 2009 I remember sitting in a workshop and all of a sudden I had a terrible itch. That is not necessarily when I "got" parasites but more likely when they truly got out of balance and control in my body and started breaking down tissues. Since that time I have been struggling... well it seems I have always been struggling with exhaustion, depression, low energy... but certainly at one time I was NOT. I haven't always been this way, I think more likely it started at some point in my 30s. In any case, I think parasites make you feel crazy. Aside from the obvious physical discomfort, they are known to cause depression, anxiety, insomnia and other stuff.

As I mentioned Emily was really pushing me to go to a doctor, get a stool sample and take Vermox, an anti-fungal... but when I researched it I learned that it only kills adult parasites and the eggs survive... so you must take it many times but for many people it was not successful.

So now, I am doing this controversial treatment and what I am really afraid of more than anything I guess is feeling sick- getting caught somewhere and not feeling well. Maybe that is extremely silly but, that's what I'm most worried about.

My trip with ZZ was good, and very lazy. The weather was not so great at her other house, except for two days of sun. So really it was a lot of driving, hanging out, watching movies, talking about astrology and the tarot and stuff like that. It was okay, but overall I still battle with feelings of depression/worry/laziness?/general life concern. I don't know if people around me are just waiting for me to figure out my life. Actually I don't mind just making enough money to pay my bills and doing next to nothing... I'm just sick of people asking me to do things that I cannot pay for. Then I do get embarrassed about admitting I have no money. Such as, Pandora really wanted me to go to her daughter's birthday party, but she lives a good 4 hours away, and I didn't have money for a bus, or gas if I borrowed my mom's car, or even gas money to contribute if somebody drove me... so that's kind of embarrassing. And Emily seems to expect me to go meet her since she is once again visiting from Europe, again not understanding that I do not really have random funds to just travel around and visit friends- trying to figure out meals and all the little expenses along the way. Gail has been pushing me a lot (yes, because SHE wants something, as usual) without thought to the fact that I DON'T HAVE AN INCOME. It's actually fine because truthfully I really don't want to go anywhere! I would just rather be at home. I don't know why, but that's just how I feel. I think I just got burnt out on working the way I was and I really just need to do nothing until I feel like doing something. That's the best way I can describe it. I really haven't kept in touch with many people from where I used to live because I guess I'm burnt out on them too. I don't want to be anybody's problem-solver, confidant or sounding board right now. Mostly I want to be left alone...

Meanwhile my brother Kevin calls me everyday to talk about nothing... he had to break up with his girlfriend because he found out that she had a little pill problem (she's a nurse, so a la Nurse Jackie). Now I think he is extremely bored and he's making me his target to keep him company... which is okay because that means I may get to see my niece more, even though he only gets her every other weekend, and she is usually sick from being constantly exposed to 14 other kids at daycare. When she's sick I usually don't go over ever since the time when she gave me a whopper of a sinus infection.

In other news, yesterday was a no sugar day. I've made another deal with myself that if I don't eat sugar for a week, I can buy an outfit (even though technically I don't have money to do that, but I guess I will charge it). It really seems to be the only way I can get myself to stop eating crap. Of course I was reading about parasites and apparently they can make you hungry all the time, so I'm hoping that will go away. But I also eat emotionally, so I have to address that, and part of it is also habit. In any case I didn't eat any chocolate, candy or cookies yesterday which is a big deal for me! And so far today I am doing okay.

All right. I think I might actually go to the gym today... maybe just walk on the elliptical for 30 minutes. One step at a time, one step at a time... I just keep getting back on this health horse.

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